Midlands Voices: New marriage equality law means adjustment for gays

The writer is president of the Council Bluffs Community Alliance, an advocacy group for gays and lesbians.

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; . . . we had everything before us, we had nothing before us.” Thus began Charles Dickens’ “A Tale of Two Cities,” which was written 150 years ago and is as poignant today as it was when it was first published in 1859.

Due to the Iowa Supreme Court’s ruling on April 3, which legalized marriage equality for gays and lesbians, a dichotomy has developed in the greater Omaha metropolitan area — a dichotomy that I would argue exists no place else on Earth.

Along the Missouri River, the border between Iowa and Nebraska, lie two cities — Council Bluffs, Iowa, and Omaha, Neb. They are both part of the same metropolitan area, and yet both have distinct differences in the way they treat their gay and lesbian citizens.

In Council Bluffs, gays and lesbians can marry, they can adopt children and they are a protected class. (They cannot be discriminated against.) In Omaha, gays and lesbians have none of these privileges.

In terms of how the two states treat their citizens, Iowa is arguably one of the most progressive states, if not the most progressive state, in the union, and Nebraska is not. And therein lies the quandary for the gay community.

My spouse and I were married in our Iowa home on April 30, the 150th anniversary of the publishing of “A Tale of Two Cities.”

Recently, we were at one of the local pubs enjoying a Friday night drink after a long week at work. While we showed off our wedding rings to some of our friends, we were surprised by a fundraising drag show being held that night. And as we watched the drag show, we realized that there is a split developing in the greater Omaha gay community.

It is a split between the gay haves and the gay have-nots. It is a split between those who are beginning the assimilation into mainstream America and those who are not assimilating, either by choice or by geography.

For example, when we get together with our gay friends, we are able to refer to ourselves as “spouses” or “husbands.” Both terms still sound a bit disjointed to us, although that is what we are. We are still adjusting to what we should call each other, as is society.

Our married gay friends from Iowa are traveling on the same journey. What do we call each other? What will society call us? Yet, our gay friends in Nebraska still must refer to each other as “partners.”

To those of us in Iowa, the term sounds so quaint now. We are no longer just partners. Our family is now legally recognized. Our daughter is now truly our daughter. Our grandchildren are now truly our grandchildren. We’ve crossed over the bridge to the other side — the bridge to equality.

On Decision Day on April 3, a rally was held in Playland Park in Council Bluffs to celebrate marriage equality. As an act of symbolism, during the rally a contingent of gay Iowans led about 50 gay Nebraskans across the new Bob Kerrey Pedestrian Bridge from Omaha into Council Bluffs. The rainbow flags they carried fluttered in the breezes that blew across the Missouri River as they walked.

And from that point forward, the pedestrian bridge will be known in the gay community as the Bridge to Equality. But not everyone in the gay community understands the significance of the new gay order that now exists in Iowa. They don’t all understand the meaning of equality.

The old gay order is a world of dark nightclubs, drag shows and living in the closet. The new gay order is a world of joint tax returns, diapers and parent-teacher conferences. Both orders and both worlds now exist in the greater Omaha metropolitan area. Yet the contrast between the two cities could not be more abrupt.

Undoubtedly these cities will be studied by sociologists for years to come. We are all part of this exciting, new and unique microcosm of contrasts. But the community that will have the most difficult time adjusting to this new-found equality could be the gay community.

Equality comes with a cost. That cost is a loss of one’s perceived identity, and that is difficult for some people to accept. When a person grows up with inequality, that inequality becomes a part of one’s being, a part of one’s soul, a part of one’s self-esteem. Personal accommodations are made for the inequality.

But when one is given equality, one’s world changes dramatically.

The local gay community is now being impacted by this phenomenon. Marriage equality is not just an issue that the straight community has to deal with. The gay community has to deal with it as well.

As Charles Dickens once said, “An idea, like a ghost, must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself.” Here’s hoping that gays and lesbians are listening.

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