Contemplating the Texas-shaped waffle maker in a hotel breakfast bar in Texas:
“Now, I have made pancakes that have resembled other states. I mean it's an average morning to eat the Hawaiian chain.”
Response to a group asking for the ideal combination of donuts to have on hand for a fantasy-league draft:
“Women prefer more delicate and complex donuts whereas men prefer a more simple ‘easy to eat and drive' type of donut. … We did not research which donuts are superior projectiles, though it's a known fact any donut with filling makes for a high-risk, high-reward aerial attack.”
Hayes' feet, in saying goodbye to his 8-year-old shower shoes:
“It's not that I've found someone better. It's that you've started to gross me out. … Since your birth in 2001, our national debt has risen more than $4 trillion and judging by the material used in these Crocs, I think most of it has gone to their development. … Oh, this is so hard. But I can't go back to you. You smell now.”
Advice on getting signed when you aren't drafted, after watching teams pass rather than selecting players in the last few rounds:
“At this point, you realize you are not getting passed over for another player, but rather getting passed over for no one. Your absence is worth more than your presence to 30 organizations.”
Advice on getting ready for spring training:
“The best way to prepare for the hours of shagging (tracking down balls in batting practice) in the spring is to spend the winter standing still in your front yard and then every 10 minutes, jog to the other side of the yard and throw a rock 150 feet. Start out in 30-minute increments and work your way up to over an hour.”
On members of the bullpen communicating with Japanese reliever Yasuhiko Yabuta (during games, when Yabuta's translator isn't present). Questions are asked to Hayes, who repeats them in Spanish to Victor Marte, who repeats them in Japanese to Yabuta, and then the chain reverses with the response.
“…in the first inning we wanted to know if Yabuta missed any family from Japan and if he missed eating Japanese food while he was in the States all summer. By the top of the fourth we found out that he only eats the grown-up octopuses and doesn't like the baby ones and that on occasion he has gone bowling but never had the honor of catching a turkey.”
Explaining why he misspelled Zack Greinke:
“I spelled it ‘Zach' instead of ‘Zack' because he already has so many K's this year and so few H's this year, I figured it was fitting. … Hopefully that covers me from getting released on the spot for spelling His name wrong.”
FROM INTERVIEW WITH BASEBALL PROSPECTUS:
On Royals farmhand Rowdy Hardy, another soft-tosser (though not a submariner):
“Just the other day we went bowling. The match took just under seven hours. I won in a nail-biter, 1-0 in the last frame, when I successfully knocked down the 10-pin. Rowdy hit the head pin a number of times throughout the game, but could never quite hit it hard enough to get it to fall down.”
On signing with the Royals:
“When the Royals offered me a contract, they told me to come in to the spring training offices to sign. After disobeying all traffic laws and sprinting from the parking lot, I calmly entered the building.”
On his signing bonus, since it obviously wasn't big enough to buy a car, was it enough to buy Hot Wheels?
“Not unless they were buy one, get one free, and the guy in front of me in line only wanted one.”
On being called “Little Quiz” by one of the first Royals employees he met (Dan Quisenberry was a star reliever with a similar throwing motion):
“Great, yesterday I was applying to work at an insurance company, today I'm the little version of a man who shut the door like Rivera and painted with a finer brush than Maddux, and at the same time was equal parts Good Samaritan and Chaucer.”
On the culture shock between an elite university like Northwestern and playing in the minor leagues:
“I like being able to go home in the offseason and reconnect with the intellectual types. Then it's nice to go back to the bullpen during the season and ponder those questions like, ‘What if beer were water, and water were beer?'
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