Trading heels for wheels

A gal named Soul Crusher Sally called the other day. She heard I was asking about the Omaha Rollergirls, a local flat track roller derby team.

“Yeah,” I said in my toughest voice. “How'd you know?”

Then it dawned on me.

I'm not tough, and I'm not the athletic type. In heated arguments, I revert to "yo mama" jokes.

Still, derby chicks intrigued me.

In Drew Barrymore's new film, "Whip It," derby women in fishnet stockings, pleated miniskirts and bright lipstick ram into one another.

They shove, and later hug. A gal might break another player's leg or give her a bloody nose, but they'll both leave the rink with no hard feelings. Some fans describe it "like hockey, only sexier.”

I wanted to see how the Omaha league got down and dirty.

Hence, Soul Crusher Sally's phone call. Jenifer Pirrone (her real name) invited me to a recent scrimmage at the Skatedaze in Millard, where the team practices three times a week and plays once or twice a month.

I went, partly because I was afraid to say no.

About 30 ladies zipped around the rink. Some practiced sculling (propelling on their wheels). Some did speedy turns while others learned how to jam (I'll explain later), pivot and block.

Two derby chicks rolled up.

At 42, Megan DeJarlais is the team's oldest player. Most know her as Mid Life Crashes.

Sharon Misery was with her.

How ironic, I thought. She wore short-shorts, and nasty bruises and cuts covered her legs.

Misery (Kristel Daly) is a 26-year-old, well-built Omaha accountant who helped organize the team years ago.

For Misery, the sport revived a childhood passion for skating. She had been to adult skate nights but none brought out a forgotten competitive spirit.

“Derby did that,” she said.

Misery plopped her maroon helmet on the table. She glanced at Mid Life Crashes, who continued her thought. They've been hanging out so long that they finish each other's sentences.

“Understand that women enjoy hitting one another,” Crashes said.

“We have a sisterhood,” Misery chimed in. “Most of us eat and breathe derby.”

They are a diverse group, from soccer moms to computer geeks. Some have pencil-thin legs. Others are muscular speed skaters.

Shape or size doesn't matter, Crashes said. “As long as they're physically fit and ready to play.”

The rules are the same as the old-school game.

Each team has five skaters on the track, including the “jammer.” The jammer tries to lap the other teams' skaters in order to score points. Meanwhile, her teammates block and try to knock the opposing team's jammer off the track.

The players, sometimes reaching 30 mph, whip around on four-wheeled skates.

There are no playbooks. But there are awesome plays.

Although there are penalties for illegal hits, play gets physical.

As I spoke to Soul Crusher Sally, a gal dived onto the floor.

“What is she doing?” I asked.

“I think she got hurt,” Soul Crusher said. “She's taking a moment.”

Just then, she picked herself up and joined her pack for another lap around the rink.

“Dude, that's crazy,” I said. “If that was me, I'd be crying.”

Soul Crusher laughed.

Broken bones, concussions, nosebleeds, separated shoulders, twisted ankles and torn ligaments happen frequently.

But there are no doctors on the sidelines. I was mortified to hear Misery and Crashes go back and forth about their injuries.

“I tore my MCL and PCL,” Misery said.

“I tore my PCL and have chronic shoulder problems,” Crashes said.

“Remember when I jammed my finger and later found out it was broke?” Misery asked.

Hold up. Stop. I couldn't take it.

“And you keep playing?” I asked. “What's wrong with you?”

One skater broke both lower leg bones, her tibia and fibula, during a play, Crashes said.

“You can't live your life afraid,” she added. “You've got to live life.”

The fans are just as bonkers.

Usually, 500 of them pack into games. It's not uncommon to see grandma bring the kids to watch mom elbow — a penalty-worthy move — another woman in stretchy pants. The fans love to hear the team's coach, nicknamed Papa Bear, call the ladies onto the wooden floor.

Fans tell players how they're doing: “Pick it Up!” “Keep it tight!” “Jammer inside!” “Push her through!”

Trash cans dot the rink. And they're used quite often.

“The new girls are fun to watch,” Misery said. “They get so excited they puke at their first game. Oh, it's so cute.”

After watching them practice, I was so happy to be a girly girl. Not that they're not, but seriously. Some of them took pretty hard beatings and have the strawberry bruises to prove it.

Shortly after I had left, Soul Crusher Sally messaged me.

“Thanks for coming!!! You totally missed Cupcake BatterHer take a skate to the eyeball. She got back up and kept skating.”

Contact the writer:

444-1075, j.loza@owh.com

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