My parents divorced when I was 3 years old.

I don't remember much except for the day my mother drove us away from the house that had been our house. My dad waved good-bye from the front porch.

I won't say my parents' divorce was easy on me, but over time I have come to acknowledge what a difficult decision it must have been.

My parents were very young when they married. My mom hadn't even turned 20 and my dad was just two years older. They had me and my brother, who was just six months old when they split, while they were still in their early twenties.

As I passed through my twenties, I would sometimes consider how much growing up I still had to do. I would realize every five years or so how drastically I had changed. How well would I have balanced a marriage, two small children and all the responsibilities of a family at that age? It's a difficult task now in my mid-thirties!

I am the mother of a 3-year-old and a 9-month-old. Lately, I've been thinking about how my mom, who had primary custody, raised us on her own most of the week. I've been wondering how difficult it was for my dad to miss the daily milestones because we saw him only on the weekends. But most of all, I've been thinking about the effects of my parents' divorce on us kids. What did we encounter emotionally that was most likely a result of the split?

My brother and I have spoken at length about this. Both of us have felt loss, abandonment, the stress of blended families, anger, frustration and embarrassment. Divorce for us carried a stigma; many of our friends were from two-parent homes.

The effects of divorce vary, depending on what research you read. Some experts think children are resilient and that they will eventually adjust to their new situation. However, most of the research I read says divorce is an intensely stressful experience for children with long-term psychological impact.

At any age, a range of emotions and behaviors can be directly attributed to parents' separation. Some of the common emotions and behaviors: fear of abandonment, depression, aggression, rejection and grief. The need for security items such as blankets or stuffed animals is very common in small children, while older children take on greater responsibilities for their siblings.

One single effect on children of any age is the hope that their parents will reunite. Resentment of a parent for causing divorce or choosing one parent over another is also very typical.

Adult children of divorced parents often experience what were previously suppressed feelings of anxiety, stress and anger. As adults, children of divorce often encounter feelings of fear when it comes to love or marriage and experience a higher rate of failed marriages themselves. This is something I am all too familiar with, as I too have been through a divorce. Fortunately, it was relatively amicable and no children were involved.

As I unearth these facts, it occurs to me that I have probably passed through many of these emotional states myself. What can be done to lessen the effects of divorce on children and make the transition easier? Here are some ideas, from the University of New Hampshire's Cooperative Extension:

-- Discuss the separation. This will develop trust between you and your child.
-- Limit the amount of conflict and hostility.
-- Limit the amount of change to the child's daily life.
-- Encourage day-to-day contact with both parents. Consider phone calls, e-mails and letters. Talk about school, art projects or the child's athletic or other activities.
-- Discuss the finality of the divorce. Children of all ages will attempt to reunite parents.
-- Develop positive ways to handle the stress and anxiety.
-- Engage family, friends or professionals to help support children during this stressful experience.

I have never been more cognizant of the effects of my parents' divorce as I am now that I am a mother. I'm hoping that these are not measures I will have to take with my own children. My husband and I intend to foster an environment where our children have stability and consistency, self-confidence and independence. I'm wondering how to make sure my marriage lasts and how to make sure it is a healthy example for my children.

What measures do you take to keep your marriage intact? If you are divorced or in the process of a divorce, how are you approaching the situation with your children? Are you concerned about long-term effects?

Amy Grace is married with two boys. She is a stay-at-home mom.

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