Dickson's Week in Review

Omaha native Brad Dickson reviews this week in sports. Dickson is a former writer for “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.”

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If you missed Big 12 media days, the most intriguing things said were: “We come to play;” “Everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time;” “We win and lose as a team;” and “There's no ‘I' in Sooners/Buffaloes/Longhorns.”

Most teams at media days got 30 minutes on the podium. After the Texas delegation was done, they requested one second be put back on the clock.

Longhorns players sounded slightly rehearsed when talking about Nebraska. Texas made history as the first team to bring a cue card man.

I don't know what's more surprising, that Dan Hawkins made it through his session without getting fired or that Bill Snyder made it through without nodding off.

The Missouri delegation was late taking the podium. Apparently, Blaine Gabbert tried to jump ship and walk out with Oklahoma State.

Gabbert said MU has a chip on its shoulder for Nebraska in 2010. Then the rest of the teams in the league said, “Take a number and wait your turn.”

Tom Osborne will not have a vote at the Big Ten meetings. Of course, because it's Chicago, Woody Hayes and Bo Schembechler will be voting.

UNO football is getting a massive new scoreboard, which is expected to help boost corporate sponsorship to $800,000. Impressive. Usually the only time UNO brings in 800 grand is when they tally the revenue from that week's parking tickets.

Tennessee Titans assistant Kennedy Pola is leaving to coach the running backs at USC. It will be a big adjustment because USC running backs get paid more than Titans' running backs.

Tim Tebow signed a multi-year deal to endorse Jockey underwear. Tebow's job is to convince men to buy new underwear. Compared to this, proving himself in the NFL will be a piece of cake.

Terrell Owens signed with the Bengals. This is an extremely dangerous situation. Owens and Chad Ochocinco could end up pooling their talents to create the worst TV reality show known to mankind.

With T.O. and Ochocinco on board, the Bengals are expected to set records. The first record: most antacids purchased by a coaching staff.

In Las Vegas the superhero costumes for the upcoming Avengers movie were unveiled — wait, I'm sorry, those were the new UFL uniforms.

Doc Sadler is looking to hire another assistant coach. I think I saw the ad on Craigslist under “Must be fluent in six languages.”

The Rick Pitino extortion trial is under way. This is the first time in judicial history that the plaintiff demanded conjugal visits.

At the trial Pitino testified that the entire sexual encounter he had in the restaurant took less than 15 seconds. In the NBA that's usually not long enough for a lane violation.

Chris Bosh was heckled when he rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. This is a new low: when your ethics don't meet the standards of Wall Street.

Former Seton Hall basketball coach Bobby Gonzalez was arrested for allegedly shoplifitng a satchel at a New Jersey mall. I don't know what's going to be harder to overcome, having the sports world think he's a shoplifter or that he carries a man purse.

Lou Piniella and Bobby Cox are retiring after this season. History will be made when they become the first two men ejected from their own retirement dinners.

The Kansas City Royals lost to the Minnesota Twins 19-1. Then, the next night, the Royals lost to the Olsen Twins 8-4.

Commenting on the disappointment of fans who came to see Stephen Strasburg and instead got him, Nationals pitcher Miguel Batista said it was like going to see Miss Universe and instead getting Miss Iowa. The NU-Iowa Big Ten rivalry is on hold for about a decade, replaced by the Iowa-Miguel Batistia rivalry.

The minor league baseball website is holding a Moniker Madness contest. The leaders include Brett Butts, Rowdy Hardy, Callix Crabbe and Dale Cornstubble. NASCAR drivers and Alabama football fans are going, “Are those names supposed to be weird?”

The Tour de France ended last Sunday. Lance Armstrong finished on Tuesday.

During one of the final stages, a herd of sheep wandered onto the course. Reports varied on the number of sheep; every time a reporter tried to count them he nodded off.

Lance Armstrong is officially retired. He said he's looking forward to spending more time with his lawyers.

Louis Oosthuizen won the British Open. He's so little-known he could have been the Democratic nominee for governor of Nebraska.

Omaha's Cox Classic features a purse totaling $725,000. After state and local taxes, that works out to just under 11 grand.

A man carried a 110-pound sack of coal for one kilometer in 4 minutes, 20 seconds to win the Scottish Coal Carrying Championships. If you missed it, Coal Carrying will be coming to TD Ameritrade Park for nine months a year beginning May 2012.

North Korea put its World Cup team on stage and publicly humiliated the players. We do something similar to athletes in this country — it's called “Dancing with the Stars.”

The president of Iran has denounced Paul the Psychic Octopus. Stop the voting, we have a winner in the “Stupidest War of Words” contest.

Ahmadinejad accused Paul of spreading Western propaganda. I'm just looking forward to that next state of the union speech. “People of Iran, I have looked into the face of evil and it is — Paul the Psychic Octopus.”

A Massachusetts female army vet is going to box the porn star who had an affair with Tiger Woods. It should be a good match. Looking at their records, they both KO'd Jose Canseco in the third round.

At a marathon in Alaska, runners came face-to-face with a bear and a moose. Note to self: reasons number 3,000,932 and 3,000,933 never to run a marathon.

And finally: At the World Snail Racing Championships in Congham, England, Sidney the garden mollusk claimed the title. Right now Sidney is taking a victory lap, which should be completed sometime in March.

Dickson, an Omaha native, is a former writer for “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.”

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