There's always more love to give

Adopted from China at ages 13 and 11, Lucas and Christian Kolb are relearning how to speak, eat and behave in a different culture.

But after only three months living in the United States in a west Omaha home, the boys are slowly adapting to the American way.

No one knows how many older children and young teens await adoption, but officials at international agencies say the number is great.

Despite a large need for older children in China to be adopted, most people adopt babies or toddlers, believing that they will adjust more easily to a new culture and a new family.

Children older than 8, some with developmental or physical disabilities, typically grow up in orphanages or group homes and never are adopted.

Ed and Sandy Kolb, who have three biological daughters ages 23, 24 and 27 and six adopted sons ages 5, 7, 11, 13, 14 and 17, including Lucas and Christian, were aware of the challenges but wanted to give the boys an opportunity for a better life.

Cultural barriers are more difficult for adolescents and tweens to overcome, said Sandy Kolb. The Kolbs adopted their other children at age 5 or younger.

For example, in Chinese culture a person's age determines how he or she is addressed and treated. Lucas, now 14, felt that as the oldest brother at home, he should be in charge, with his younger brothers acquiescing to his demands out of respect.

The Kolbs had to explain that age didn't allow Lucas to receive special treatment in the United States and that all the siblings would be treated equally.

The couple adopted Lucas and Christian in December 2010, less than a year after they started the adoption process.

By contrast, infants are in such high demand that families can wait five years or longer to adopt an infant, said Beth Smith, director of services for Holt International's China adoption program.

It was essential to move quickly because time was running out for 13-year-old Lucas. China doesn't allow orphans to be adopted after age 14.

The Kolbs felt the adjustment would be easier if they adopted two boys with similar backgrounds.

They suspect that Christian was abandoned when he was 5 or 6, Sandy Kolb said.

Lucas was abandoned when he was 2, possibly because he has three missing fingers, Ed Kolb said. He grew up in foster care in Jiangsu, China.

There's a heavy emphasis on social class in China, Kolb said, and those without family names or with disabilities have difficult lives.

Christian, on the other hand, was living and going to school at an orphanage in Guangdong, China, where he was expected to wash his own dishes and clothes.

Learning how to be a kid and to depend on parents is something new for Christian, the Kolbs said.

The boys appear eager to embrace their new identities.

Lucas didn't want to use chopsticks after only a few weeks. He has stopped tucking his shirt into his pants and is comfortable wearing T-shirts that expose his hand. In China he often wore long-sleeved shirts to hide it.

He takes piano lessons and likes to work out at the gym.

Both boys love taking care of the family pets. Lucas has adopted the family cat, Simba, while Christian likes taking care of the Shih Tzu Maltese, Coco, and Shih Tzu Pekingese, Cleo.

The brothers fight and roughhouse, and with the help of English as a second language classes, they improve their English skills every day, Sandy Kolb said.

Families who adopt older children must be, like the Kolbs, resilient, Smith said. It helps that both parents care deeply about the adoption process and helping children with medical or correctable physical problems. Ed Kolb, a pediatrician, is the medical director of the International Adoption Clinic at Boys Town National Research Hospital-West, and Sandy Kolb is a retired pediatric nurse.

“I've seen my parents just exhausted,” said Sarah Kolb, 24, who gives her parents a break by baby-sitting on Thursday nights. “They could have been empty nesters four years ago had they not adopted. They've sacrificed so much time and energy, but it keeps them young.”

The Kolbs began adopting children in the late 1990s, when their biological children were between the ages of 10 and 13.

In California in the early '90s, Sandy Kolb watched a segment on the television news show “20/20” about the dire conditions in Romanian orphanages.

The Kolbs adopted then-4-year-old Andrew from Romania in 1998. A year later, they adopted Andrew's biological brother, Stefan, when he was born with Asperger's syndrome.

Andrew now is 17 and Stefan is 13.

“Adopting children is what I've been preparing to do my whole life,” Sandy Kolb said. “We could not stop at just one. Your life positively changes after you adopt and the child's does, too.”

Later on, the family tried to adopt two girls from Romania, but the country halted most international adoptions in 2001.

Disappointed, the Kolbs looked into opportunities in China.

They adopted now 7-year-old Charlie, who has spina bifida, in 2007. They adopted George, then age 5, in 2008. George was thought to have spina bifida, too, but doctors discovered that it was a lipoma tumor, which was removed before he came to the United States.

Raising adopted children, especially during their teen years, can be difficult, Sandy Kolb said.

She founded a support group called PATCH, or Post Adoption Truths for our Children of Hope (PATCHOmaha.org) to help parents find friendships and resources as they navigate the difficult waters.

“A lot of people don't know who to ask for help when there are household challenges,” she said. “Adoptive parents have to support one another.”

Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, a nonprofit group working to improve adoption policies and practices, said international adoptions have declined over the past decade because of unethical practices by some individuals and organizations.

Countries reassessed their adoption processes after allegations or instances of abuse, such as human trafficking, in the early part of this century, he said.

“It would be nice to solve the problem without throwing away the baby with the bathwater,” Pertman said. “We need to find ways to move children from institutions into family care while we improve practices.”

Contact the writer:

alissa.skelton@owh.com

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