Breaking Brad: Monday, Jan. 16

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Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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* After dropping out of the presidential race, Jon Huntsman endorsed Mitt Romney. Also today, Snooki from "Jersey Shore" endorsed a may-get-back-in-the-race Donald Trump. Looking at the two endorsements, I've gotta say: advantage Trump.

* Huntsman quit after a poll showing that in South Carolina he trailed the ghost of Robert E. Lee and Yosemite Sam.

* The 69th annual Golden Globes were held Sunday night. This means that all combined, we've seen almost 13 seconds of substantive television.

* An Ohio man was arrested after he refused to stop ringing a cowbell in public. This demonstrates our diversified regions. In Ohio you get busted for ringing a cowbell. In Nevada you're given a sash reading "Miss America Talent Competition Winner."

* The prime minister of Italy got down on his knees and kissed the ground after landing in Norway ... wait, my mistake. The guy kissing the ground was Bob Kerrey arriving in New York after his trip to Nebraska.

* Kerrey said ultimately it'll be up to the people of this state whether he's a Nebraskan. He said this while wearing a rubber corncob on his head.

* After a critical radio ad about Kerrey paid for by a Karl Rove-founded group, Kerrey invited Rove to eat at Grandmother's restaurant and then work out at Prairie Life Fitness. Rove said he was up for it if he can use a line-item veto to scratch the workout part.

* On Friday, a full-sized barn and silo were moved 4 miles through the narrow streets of western Douglas County. You think our morning commute was bad, how'd you like to look up and see you're behind a barn and silo?

* Sunday afternoon, pieces of a Russian space probe crashed to Earth. Experts said the pieces could land anywhere in Europe or Asia, just like one of Tim Tebow's pass attempts on Saturday night.

* The probe landed in an isolated area where there wasn't a soul around - in the middle of a Jon Huntsman for president rally.

* Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president. He was known for his reasoned, calm approach, common-sense analysis, and noninflammatory rhetoric. And let's face it: There's no place in politics in 2012 for someone like that.

* The new Miss America is Laura Kaeppeler, Miss Wisconsin. Because she's from Wisconsin, instead of a tiara, a cheese head was placed on her noggin.

* The pageant pumps an estimated $50 million into the national economy; and that's just what the contestants spend on teeth whitening.

* Fifty-three mostly conservative contestants competed, so it was just like the GOP presidential race.

* Judges included Mark Ballas, Mike Fleiss, Kris Jenner, Teri Polo and Lara Spencer. Oh, no. The panel of esteemed judges was kidnapped and replaced by a group of C-list celebrities.

* Sunday night, NBC aired a three-hour special from a nudist colony. Wait, my mistake. Those were actually the revealing outfits worn by attendees to the Golden Globes.

* The GOP nomination appears to be Mitt Romney's to lose. If so, that would mean Republicans face potentially their biggest challenge ever: getting excited about a nominee who lost to John McCain in 2008.

* In Sumter, S.C., a woman told Romney she was jobless and he handed her a wad of $50 to $60 in cash. Then President Obama showed up and handed the woman a bill for the $12 she owes in taxes on the money.

* The annual Girl Scout cookie drive is under way. This means that over the next six weeks, most troops will raise more money than the Obama campaign.

* President Obama just held a $35,800-per-plate fundraising dinner. Originally it was going to cost $36,000 per plate, but Obama wanted to keep it affordable to the middle class.

* A new book called "The Obamas" claims that Michelle wields great influence over the president. A spokesman for President Obama said he'll have no comment until he returns from spending the day taking his mother-in-law antique shopping.

* According to the book, the first family hosted a lavish top-secret Halloween party at the White House. This is scandalous: The highlight of the party occurred when everyone played "Bobbing for Ambassadorships."

* Todd Palin has endorsed Newt Gingrich for president. Desperate for big-name endorsements, Rick Perry was said to be flying into Wasilla, Alaska, to try and get the support of Levi Johnston.

* The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers released a report on preparation for new flooding. This time they're recommending stilts.

* This just in: Outgoing Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour plans to show up at the first Oakland Raiders home game next fall and pardon all 70,000 fans.

* An unacceptable level of radioactivity has been found in metal tissue holders sold at Bed Bath & Beyond. You know the acceptable amount of radioactivity in metal tissue holders? Zero.

* A Texas teenager who ran away from home was mistakenly deported to Colombia. This is every parent's worst nightmare. "Mom, can you pick me up?" "Oh, OK, where are you?" "Bogota."

* A legal Nevada brothel called the Moonlite Bunny Ranch is endorsing Ron Paul. This is an ominous sign for the Democrats, when a brothel goes Republican.

* Several Democratic congressmen immediately announced 7 to 10 fact-finding missions to the brothel to see what's going on.

* The Girl Scout cookie drive got under way on Friday. Following my annual tradition, over the weekend I boarded up my windows and cut my doorbell line.

* Larry The Cable Guy recently moved back to Nebraska. If this is to establish residency for a U.S. Senate run, it's about to get really interesting.

* There's talk of a Manny Pacquiao-Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight in May. On the undercard, Iowa basketball coach Fran McCaffery will have a rematch with a chair.

* Bill Clinton caught a puck at a New York Rangers game. No surprise there. Clinton developed fast hands in the living quarters of the White House, catching lamps that were hurled at him.

* Ohio State President Gordon Gee compared the job of running a Big Ten university to being a general in the Polish army. The difference being that the Polish army is statistically more likely to win a college bowl game.

* A UFC event at the Civic Auditorium on Feb. 15 will be televised nationally on Fuel TV. Omaha officials ordered that security be extremely tight, and that's just to keep the cameras from getting a good shot of the Civic Auditorium.

* Creighton basketball star Doug McDermott, who just scored his 1,000th career point, isn't on Facebook. Let this be an example to all students: See what it's possible to accomplish if you're not spending nine hours per day updating your status and liking "Can this hat get more friends than Nickelback"?

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