Breaking Brad: Friday, Feb. 10

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Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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* Mayor Jim Suttle has proposed using landlords to prevent crime. This may soon be the only city in the country where the mayor announces that to get tough on crime he's "putting more landlords on the streets."

* Suttle would use Homeowners Associations to crack down on crime, but even criminals have some rights.

* A $1 million-winning Powerball Lottery ticket was sold at the Kwik Shop at 75th and Cass Streets in Omaha. After paying state and local taxes and going out to dinner on Valentine's night at V Mertz, the winner is expected to have $798.39 left.

* The federal government and banks reached a $26 billion mortgage settlement. The bankers had no comment, as they were too busy denying Carlos Slim and Bill Gates home loans because they couldn't prove their income.

* In Florida, a woman walked into her home and saw an 8-foot alligator. The woman was so frightened her lips were moving, but no sound was coming out. Sort of like Madonna's halftime performance at the Super Bowl.

* Metro transit is partnering with Google Maps. This will not result in a fare increase, only a minor inconvenience when the route you've mapped to Midtown instead takes you to Independence, Mo.

* Metro transit officials held a press conference to announce the partnership. Unfortunately, because they used Google Maps to find the site, they all got lost and missed it.

* It may get down to 0 for the first time this winter. It's so cold that OPPD officials have their hands inside their own pockets.

* The Nebraska Legislature passed a bill stating that anyone who smuggles a cellphone to a prison inmate could face a year in jail. This makes no sense. We should be handing phones to inmates. Threatening an inmate with my Verizon plan is the best deterrent to crime yet.

* The Legislature is debating another bill that would require flags in classrooms. Some say this is pointless because students won't pay attention to the flags. I don't know - students don't pay attention to algebra textbooks and we still give them those.

* House Republicans just passed the line-item veto, which expands President Obama's powers. You think it's cold in Omaha - hell just froze.

* A CNN story was blacked out in China because it was deemed too liberal. Ironically, the same thing just happened in South Carolina.

* Newt Gingrich has been quoting Andrew Jackson. So apparently he's targeted the youth vote.

* At a White House science fair, President Obama shot a student's marshmallow gun. I know Obama has overseen some tough military cuts, but this is worse than I thought.

* After Obama fired the marshmallow gun, three French reporters surrendered.

* If he's elected president, Mitt Romney is expected to place his fortune in a blind trust where he can't touch it for four years. And, if President Obama is re-elected, citizens earning more than $1 million are going to put their money in a trust where Obama can't touch it for four years.

* Romney is trying to dispel his image as a "stuffed shirt." Let's face it: Romney makes Al Gore look like Lil Wayne.

* Fidel Castro weighed in on the GOP presidential race, calling it a competition of "idiocy and ignorance." So even at age 85, Castro's mind is sharp.

* A Tom Brady jersey sold for $46,000 at an auction. Instead of printing more money, to stimulate the economy we should be printing more Tom Brady jerseys.

* A cat from Hawaii has been found in Ohio. Either he stowed away on a plane, or this should finally debunk that myth that cats hate water.

* Police in Kentucky arrested a man who was naked and covered with peanut butter and chocolate inside a supermarket. This is why they say you should never go shopping while you're hungry.

* Police dogs from seven counties volunteered to help search for the man.

* As a result of the Facebook IPO, Mark Zuckerberg may be worth $24 billion. He's taking advantage of his wealth and upgrading to the best Gap T-shirts.

* After losing a Super Bowl bet, "Extra" TV show host Maria Menounos had to wear a bikini on the air. If this is how things are now settled, let's hope Morley Safer doesn't lose any bets.

* A man in Kearney, Neb., called police to report that he'd been shot in the leg by someone who stole his marijuana. I can picture that 911 call. "I've been robbed! They got my ... uh ... my ..." "Sir, you have to speak up."

* A West Virginia college student is suing a fraternity for negligence, claiming he fell off a deck after a bottle rocket exploded in another student's rectum. OK, now here's where the story starts to get weird ...

* The student that set off the bottle rocket in his rectum was allegedly drunk. Normally I'd never say this, but I believe it's safe to drop the word "allegedly."

* There's a new product on the market: pajama pants. They're dress pants that look like PJs. Because the unemployment rate isn't high enough, we need job applicants showing up for interviews in what looks like their pajamas.

* Two alleged drug dealers in Connecticut were arrested after mistakenly texting police to ask if they'd like to buy drugs. I'm not sure what type of drugs they were involved with, but I'm guessing the kind that destroy brain cells.

* The world's oldest twins have turned 102. They will be honored at the Grammy Awards on Sunday night as the best new artists.

* J.C. Penney is permanently slashing prices on all merchandise by at least 40 percent. As if it wasn't humbling enough for Martha Stewart to have her new line at J.C. Penney, now she's been marked down.

* NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell signed a new five-year contract. This only after Gisele Bundchen turned the job down.

* The big food item at Super Bowl parties this year was chicken wing cupcakes. I'm unclear whether this is a snack or an effort at stunting world overpopulation.

* Kim Kardashian is reportedly dating a member of the New York Jets offense. So it's nice to see she's moved on from professional athletes.

* There's a push by New Zealand sheep shearers to add sheep shearing to the Olympics. Finally, something to break up the monotony of synchronized swimming.

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