CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa — Kate and Trish Varnum have a running joke every time they drive out of state.
"We'd cross the border and we'd say 'It's been nice being married to you,' " Kate Varnum said.
Trish Varnum, 38, is an operations clerk for a Cedar Rapids manufacturing company and Kate Varnum, 46, is a stay-at-home mom to 3-month-old Alex.
Outside their Cedar Rapids home, though, they're known for the Varnum decision: the Iowa Supreme Court's April 3, 2009, decision overturning the state's ban on same-sex marriage.
The Varnums, lead plaintiffs and one of six couples challenging the law, were among the first of an estimated 4,500 same-sex couples to marry in the state after the ruling.
Since then, same-sex marriage has been legalized in five other states and the District of Columbia. An effort spearheaded by the leader of a right-wing group in Iowa to give voters a say on the matter appears stalled in the Legislature.
The Varnums' story has been mostly happy since the ruling, but something as simple as crossing state lines can bring a reality check. Like last fall, when the Varnums added Alex to their family. The Texas judge presiding over the process didn't like it.
"He said our son will have a stigma growing up, and what do we intend to do about that?" Trish Varnum said. "He kept using that word, 'stigma.' I told him in Iowa he'll find a lot more acceptance and tolerance. Being a Texan myself, I wanted to say 'You old coot, not everybody's as old and bigoted as you are.' "
"He asked us questions like 'What happens when you divorce?' " Kate Varnum said. "Not if you divorce but when. And Trish said 'Well, we worked pretty hard just to get married.' "
Thanks to an "absolutely wonderful" attorney who pointed out Texas code left the judge no choice, Alex's adoption went through. To the Varnums, it was just another instance of having to defend their marriage.
At home, the Varnums remain vigilant about efforts to outlaw their marriage, notably the 2010 removal by voters of three justices in the Supreme Court's unanimous opinion.
"I don't want to ever say it's safe," said Kate Varnum. "There's always going to be that threat, and I don't want to ever sit back and say it's done."
The group One Iowa has launched the Why Marriage Matters campaign to fend off attempts to reverse same-sex marriage rights. The Varnums are involved, but "we don't go out and talk as much," Kate Varnum said. "We demonstrate with how we are with each other and how we are with our son."
The Republican-controlled Iowa House passed a bill last year calling for a referendum on the issue, but it remains stalled as long as Democrats control the Senate. Bob Vander Plaats, an organizer of the judicial recall — which was largely funded by out-of-state special interest groups — doubts there will be legislative action, and said even a repeat of the 2010 effort is unlikely.
"Everyone says the economy needs to be the focus, the budget needs to be the focus," said Vander Plaats, president and CEO of the Family Leader. "We agree with that."
Vander Plaats said a March 20 rally at the State Capitol is "probably the main effort right now."
Justice David Wiggins is the only judge on the Varnum decision facing a retention vote this fall.
"He should be held to the same account his peers were in 2010, but we haven't made a decision yet in regards to that," Vander Plaats said.
Tim Hagle, associate professor of political science at the University of Iowa, thinks the political backlash may be spent.
"I just don't see that here in Iowa you're going to see as successful a push to remove that justice," Hagle said. "I just don't think it will have that same force as it did two years ago," when the three justices were ousted after receiving only about 45 percent apiece in the retention vote.
Predictions of social breakdown following legalization haven't been borne out, removing one argument for its repeal, Hagle said.
"A lot of people who are sort of on the fence and may have been focusing more on the judicial activism (argument) are going to look at it and say 'Well, the sky hasn't fallen,' " Hagle said.
Meanwhile, the Varnums and other same-sex families hope to show other Iowans they're not so different.
"It's harder to hate somebody than something," Trish Varnum said.
Days after the 2009 Iowa decision, the Vermont Legislature overrode the governor's veto of a bill legalizing same-sex marriage, making it the first state to legalize it legislatively.
Courts in Massachusetts and Connecticut had already legalized same-sex marriage in similar rulings; it was also legalized legislatively in New York and New Hampshire, and the governor of Washington plans to sign legislation Monday legalizing it. It's also legal in the District of Columbia.
"I don't think any way is better," said Kate Varnum. "Civil rights have often been done by courts. If you do it legislatively, that's great, but it's the job of the courts to interpret the law."
Legal same-sex marriage was reversed by referendum in California and Maine. The California vote reversed a state court decision, Maine's a legislative action.
Both the Varnums and Hagle, who is faculty adviser to the campus College Republicans chapter, think opposition to gay rights in general is generational.
"They are much more divided than are Republicans in general," Hagle said of the campus GOP. "As these folks continue to grow old, they'll be the decision-makers, and this won't be an issue."
"We're trending that way," said Kate Varnum. "The acceptance rate is going up. I'd like to think that by the time (Alex is) 5, it's not such a big deal."
"We live our lives as honestly as possible," Trish Varnum said.
"And that's what we're going to teach you," Kate Varnum said to Alex.
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