Breaking Brad: Wednesday, Feb. 15

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Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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* In preparation for possible icing Wednesday morning, salt was poured over Omaha streets. That meant if there were a couple of large water main breaks, the city would essentially turn into a giant magarita.

* The mild winter is considered a boon for the economy. Finally, our first look at the Obama economic plan, which is called "Waiting for global warming to kick in."

* A 74-year-old Myrtle Beach, S.C., retiree was arrested on suspicion of soliciting prostitution. He's already considered the worst example of why Social Security shouldn't be cut.

* Michelle Obama was photographed in a dress from Target. It looks like the administration is pulling out all stops to appeal to the middle class. Between now and the election, Joe Biden will be seen in nothing but a Kmart hoodie.

* Chinese students are flocking to Iowa universities, with Iowa State showing a 2,000 percent increase in students from China since 2006. Many are coming to experience democracy. After witnessing the Iowa caucuses, two-thirds of them caught the first plane home.

* A new $411 million casino at the Kansas Speedway in Kansas City, Kan., has opened. The grand opening was marred when Council Buffs city council members formed a human chain to stop gamblers from entering.

* Nebraska owes $275,000 to the ACLU. Suggestion: Save this story and reread it in April. Seeing that Nebraska owes a lot of money right after you paid taxes to the state will make you feel warm all over.

* A proposal to eliminate Nebraska's inheritance tax was not well-received in the Legislature. This is in keeping with the Legislature's platform of continuing to tax Nebraskans posthumously.

* Nebraska lawmakers are considering a bill that will soften the state's tough truancy law. This will remove the "life without parole" provision.

* Ernie Chambers is running for his old seat in the Nebraska Legislature. You look at Chambers and Mark Zuckerberg - let me be the first to proclaim 2012 the "Year of the T-shirt."

* The Westminster Dog Show was earlier this week. I wouldn't say some of these dogs were talented, but we now have a workable plan for playing down the deficit.

* A new breed called a Xoloitzcuintli debuted. I remember when that used to be called an eye chart.

* It's an exotic breed from Mexico that stands about 10 inches high. Xoloitzcuintli is an Aztec name meaning "yippy ankle biter."

* Xoloitzcuintli. If you want to end next month's Midwest Spelling Bee quickly, begin with this word.

* Experts say kids' perception of Valentine's Day is skewed by reality TV. One fifth-grade girl chose 15 potential boys to be her valentine, then eliminated them one by one in a rose ceremony.

* There was a commercial touting Hy-Vee as the most romantic place to shop for Valentine's Day. Whoever said that has obviously never seen the cheese aisle at Food 4 Less.

* President Obama announced tough new sanctions against the Central Bank of Iran because of "deceptive practices." If he's looking for a bank to sanction because of deceptive practices, there's probably one within a block of the White House.

* The sanctions are brutal. Obama is going to take all the money in the Central Bank of Iran and stick it in a five-year CD offered by First National Bank in Omaha paying 0.7 percent.

* Some have labeled the new sanctions against Iran "punitive, Draconian, extraordinarily tough." Or, as we call those in Omaha, "property taxes."

* On Tuesday, when Obama hosted the vice president of China, there were seven translators at the White House. That's one less than when James Carville visits.

* Thousands of people called a classic rock radio station recently to try and win a prize. Yet, turnout in the GOP primaries is historically low. We're going about this election all wrong. To get people to vote, we need to give away a Foghat album.

* Roseanne Barr is on the California presidential ballot as a Green Party candidate. You think Newt Gingrich was frustrated about not making it onto the ballot in Missouri before, wait until he sees that Roseanne qualified.

* Disney may start its own cable news channel. If the anchor people wear mouse ears, it should fit right in with MSNBC and Fox News.

* Rick Santorum is now calling Romney "uni-dimensional," a word I don't believe I've heard since Dennis Miller was describing the Miami Dolphins offense during a Monday Night Football game in 2000.

* The government of Greece passed severe austerity measures, cutting pay to the bare minimum. Wait, my mistake. That was Kansas City Royals management.

* After Greek austerity measures, there was rock and bottle throwing and fires set. Again emphasizing that fine line between civil disobedience and losing an NHL title.

* Several universities are offering class credit for those who participate in the Occupy movement. You get class credit for sitting and doing nothing. Didn't that used to be called art history?

* I read that the behavior of cats holds the key to good health in humans. So tonight when I get home, the first thing I'm doing is taking a nap on top of the TV set.

* A baggage screener at JFK International Airport was arrested for allegedly stealing $5,000 from a passenger's jacket. Normally, the airline only steal from passengers when they charge them to check luggage.

* An Illinois appeals court ruled that a dead man in Chicago whose flying body parts injured a woman after a train accident can be sued. The good thing is that if the dead in Chicago don't like the idea of being sued, they can go to the polls and vote out the judges who made the ruling.

* A Dallas man paid $16 to "squat" in a $340,000 house. You know banks today. "OK, Mr. Johnson, you're looking for a $16 mortgage. I'm going to need $7 down, your tax returns for the past nine years and 27 references."

* McDonald's just introduced its new Chicken McBites. McDonald's has already used so many different parts of the chicken, I believe these are the nostrils.

* Sesame Street is now airing in Afghanistan. Actually, there was an ugly incident when moments after the premiere Big Bird was incarcerated for dancing in public.

* In a survey of America's rudest cities, Boston finished fifth. It's misleading. Take away Bill Belichick and Boston is 37th.

* Werner Park is erecting a statue of Bob Gibson. This will appeal to the .002 percent of Werner Park-goers old enough to remember him.

* LeBron James got into a verbal altercation and allegedly threatened a Washington Wizards fan. That's hard to believe. I mean, just the part about the Washington Wizards still having fans.

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