Breaking Brad: Thursday, Feb. 16

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Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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* Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping is making his second visit to Iowa, his first was in the mid-1980s. He came back to see if the missing Iowa caucus votes from his last visit have been found yet.

* Xi Jinping is in Des Moines and picked up a copy of the Des Moines Register. Now in comparison, the Chinese government-run newspapers don't seem quite so politically judgmental.

* On Valentine's Day, a helium balloon purchased as a gift in California flew into a power line and knocked out electricity to 15,000 customers. The group National Society of Men immediately called for a ban on Valentine's Day due to potential danger.

* On Thursday, there was positive news on jobless claims, housing and inflation. Pessimistic CNBC analysts reacted by predicting now the world won't end until late April.

* The City of Omaha is facing a $740,307 budget shortfall. Not to worry. We'll make up the entire 740 grand next time a resident of Linden Estates pays his property taxes.

* There was a nationally televised UFC card at the Civic Auditorium on Wednesday night. A couple of times I had to look away. And that's just so I didn't see the condition the Civic is in.

* A group of Omaha public works employees shared a $1 million lottery prize. Now I know what public works is doing while we're waiting for side streets to be plowed - buying lotto tickets.

* A woman accused of shoplifting vodka from the SuperTarget at 132nd and West Maple Road eight times has been ticketed. Let this be a warning to potential shoplifters at the store: You steal from us eight times and we'll prosecute you.

* She stole bottles of vodka that started at $6 in price. You know how competitive it is. Walmart immediately invited the woman to shoplift the same vodka that only costs $5.89.

* There's a proposal for a train running between Omaha and Chicago. Taking the train would be similar to flying in and out of O'Hare Airport, only 37 times faster.

* According to a new study, the most corrupt city in America is Chicago. Elected officials in Chicago are vowing to protest as soon as they post bail.

* There's a move toward making the Nebraska truancy law less harsh. From now on, police have to issue a warning to the truant student before tossing a percussion grenade into the house.

* According to a former White House consultant, President Dwight Eisenhower had three meetings with space aliens at a New Mexico air base and got along well with the ETs. I think it says a lot that Eisenhower got along better with extraterrestrials than President Obama does with Congress.

* Imagine if aliens landed on earth today and said, "Take us to your leader," then were escorted to Warren Buffett's house.

* Congressional negotiators may be honing in on a tentative payroll tax cut deal. Only with this Congress do we wait months, suffer through 500 debates and 1,000 news stories, and then get a deal including the word "tentative."

* Michelle Obama's "Let's Move!" campaign to improve fitness in kids is celebrating its second anniversary. Expectations have been lowered enough that the name of the campaign is being changed to "Let's Skip That Second Dessert!"

* President Obama is returning a $200,000 campaign donation made by a Mexican fugitive. Obama returning campaign money - I believe this is what the movie "Miracle" is based on.

* On the news, Obama was shown walking to the Oval Office to formally return the donation. Well, actually, he was clinging to a door in the White House living quarters while seven aides pulled him by the ankles.

* The president of the remote island nation of the Maldives resigned live on television. In the background, you could see Mitt Romney walking into the Bank of the Maldives to make a deposit.

* According to experts, people in Missouri could ultimately determine who wins the general election. If this doesn't make you nervous, you don't have a pulse.

* A Newt Gingrich aide is denying he made edits to Gingrich's Wikipedia entry. I thought something was suspicious when I read, "Newt Gingrich is the first presidential candidate to be nominated for sainthood and a three-time gold medalist in Olympic platform diving."

* Rick Santorum is talking tough. Next time there's a war, instead of bombs he's calling for dropping Paula Deen recipes on the enemy.

* A Mississippi state senator who proposed changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America now claims he was joking. I wonder if the Nebraska Legislature's debate over legalizing horse meat and banning unwanted kissing were elaborate jokes?

* When I initially heard someone wanted to change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to Gulf of America I said, "Rick Perry is back in the race?"

* Newt Gingrich jumped on the idea and is now surging in the polls after announcing the main thrust of his platform is changing Canadian bacon to American bacon.

* After 20 years of drilling through ice, researchers in Antarctica have discovered a lake that has been completely hidden for millions of years. Except on the Fourth of July weekend, when it was packed.

* Even though the lake has been submerged beneath ice 3 miles thick, when scientists penetrated it they found a Zebra mussel.

* A juror is facing possible jail time after "friending" the defendant during a trial in Sarasota, Fla. I must be psychic. Before I even saw the location, I guessed that this happened in Florida.

* Florida officials are now vowing to find their jurors under a higher quality of rock.

* A Wisconsin man accused of assault claims that the punch was thrown by a ghost. Upon hearing the alibi, Casey Anthony lawyer Jose Baez said, "Niiiiice."

* Kristin Cavallari is pregnant. This means my bill to ban reality stars from reproducing is too late.

* A 72-year-old man from Nepal is vying for the title of world's shortest man. It's been a great month for him: He's also just been signed to a 10-day contract by the Washington Wizards.

* An Auburn football recruit named Cassanova McKinzy said he chose Auburn over Clemson because the school has a Chick-fil-A on campus. Even though Cassanova will be playing for Auburn, he's an Omahan in spirit.

* Instead of an Auburn cap, when he made the announcement he donned a Chick-fil-A bib.

* Chris Bosh interrupted a LeBron James postgame press conference to shout an expletive. Where was Bosh during James' "Decision"?

* A Pekinese won Best of Show at the Westminster Dog Show. You know you're into sports betting a little too much if you're now on your knees weeping, "I had the Lhasa Apso."

* His owner promised the Pekinese that if he won he could retire and be put out to stud. Talk about incentive.

* Now, "Win one for the Gipper" is only the second-best motivational speech in history.

* An "Iceman" event in British Columbia features an 8-kilometer cross country ski followed by a 5K speed skate and an 800-meter swim in an icy river. Or, as University of North Dakota students call it, "spring break."

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