Breaking Brad: Monday, Feb. 20

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Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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* Jack Nicholson appeared to nod off during a Lakers home game. This is when you know that "Showtime" is officially over -- snoring is heard from the front row.

* The Kansas City Zoo was on lockdown because two gorillas were on the loose. So it sounds like the Henry Doorly Zoo just found its new advertising campaign to lure out of state visitors.

* Zoo officials couldn't find the tranquilizer gun, so to make the gorillas fall asleep, they showed 'em a clip from a Mitt Romney interview.

* Congress has been slow to endorse former colleague Rick Santorum. This may have less to do with Santorum than with Congress just being slow.

* A hotel on the beach in California is now offering a "dog surfing instructor." Next time your parents say you're wasting your college education, show them this story.

* To celebrate Presidents Day I'm going to play golf all morning and then go out and raise $20 million in campaign funds.

* George Washington couldn't tell a lie. In today's politics, he wouldn't make it past the third primary.

* On Presidents Day, lots of people don't work, nothing much gets accomplished. It sounds more like "Congress Day."

* The vice president of China was just given a tour of the Pentagon. Considering the sensitive nature of what's inside, the tour stopped 18 inches into the lobby.

* A former White House consultant claims that President Eisenhower had three meetings with space aliens. To give you an idea how low our expectations are, people are less shocked by a president meeting with aliens than by news Congress somehow passed a payroll tax cut.

* The news about Eisenhower meeting three times with aliens set Joe Biden off, since he's only had two meetings with President Obama.

* When President Obama made an unannounced visit to a carry-out Chinese restaurant in San Francisco, a female patron appeared to squeeze his rear. Obama then ordered steamed pork buns and left. Folks, I swear to you 1,000 times over, I don't make this stuff up.

* Rick Santorum raised $1 million in 24 hours. After hearing that, Obama offered him a job.

* CNN canceled a scheduled GOP debate after Mitt Romney and Ron Paul pulled out. Network executives realized that a Santorum-Gingrich debate has all the ratings allure of a William & Mary-East Central Oklahoma BCS Championship football game.

* A Santorum supporter representing a super PAC said that Newt Gingrich looks like Paula Deen. I'm just glad that the attacks haven't gotten cheap and petty.

* When it comes to Santorum, Mitt Romney is vowing to get more aggressive. If any of these guys are more aggressive during debates, it pretty much has to involve the use of unmanned drones.

* Monday night, PBS is airing a documentary on Bill Clinton that focuses on the Monica Lewinsky case in explicit detail. Remember when we used to plant a tree to celebrate Presidents Day?

* You just know Bill Clinton is telling Hillary, "PBS? C'mon, there's never anything good on there. Let's check out Monday Night Raw."

* California Attorney General Kamala Harris is being called "the female Obama." She's not to be confused with another California politician, who's been labeled "the female Nancy Pelosi."

* The female Obama -- I think that means she runs up a huge deficit and then goes on vacation for six weeks.

* A man who tossed blue glitter at Mitt Romney could receive six months in jail. The guy said if he'd known that, he would have become a banker who steers the country to a the precipice of economic collapse, so that instead of six months, he'd be looking at a large bonus.

* The Underwear Bomber was sentenced to four life terms plus 50 years. Which, ironically, is the exact length of time most men go without buying new underwear.

* I'm not surprised the sentence was so long. Everybody knows this guy by one name. Picture the sentencing hearing. "My client - the Underwear Bomber - has much to offer society."

* A man in Sweden is recovering after being trapped inside his snow-bound car for two months. He didn't become agitated until a couple days after he was rescued, when someone asked him how he likes the mild winter we're having.

* A man is recovering after suffering a heart attack while dining at a Las Vegas restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill, which, I'm guessing, is not a vegan place.

* He was eating a "Triple Bypass Burger." The restaurant also offers a Quadruple Bypass Burger. I think this means the Triple Bypass burger was part of their healthy choice menu.

* Tourists began filming the scene with their cellphones. A man dining on a Triple Bypass Burger at the Heart Attack Grill has a coronary, and onlookers film it. The Mayans may've been right; we are approaching the end of the world.

* After a possibly intoxicated pilot was removed from a Frontier flight in Omaha, the airline announced it has zero tolerance for such matters. Which always sounds better than, "We tolerate drinking pilots 20 percent of the time."

* The photo of a Wooly Mammoth taken in Siberia turned out to be a hoax. It was plausible. Wooly mammoths require 20 feet of snow cover, so they were found in Outer Siberia and Omaha side streets.

* It was all a staged hoax. I really think Outer Siberians need to indulge in some of the other things there are to do in their country. There's ... well, there's ... OK, I guess the Wooly Mammoth thing was kind of funny.

* A 100-year-old Kentucky woman has married for the second time, 85 years after her first marriage. I'm not sure what happened to her first marriage, but 85 years is about how long it takes to get over a divorce.

* New York City is paying $15 million to people arrested for loitering. So one group is actually faring quite well in this economy - loiterers.

* A quick definition: In N.Y., people who stand around doing nothing all day are called "loiterers." In Washington D.C., someone who does that is called "Representative."

* Kourtney Kardashian is expecting a baby girl. The baby girl is due around July 2, which means she should have her own spinoff show by July 15.

* The Creighton vs. Long Beach St. game began at 9:02 p.m. This was obviously to give Creighton fans time to get some of their texting done before the game started.

* The Omaha City Council is backing tough new liquor rules for the city. If it passes, during the College World Series, beer gardens will no longer be permitted in cemeteries and churches.

* The NFL fined Giants DE Osi Umenyiora $20,000 for skipping Super Bowl media day. However, the media took up a collection and raised 20 grand to pay him back out of gratitude. Because he didn't show, they didn't have to learn how to spell Osi Umenyiola.

* Manny Pacquiao announced he's giving up cockfighting. Apparently, being linked to professional boxing was ruining the image of cockfighting.

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