Premium ContentMouse over Home then click on Premium Content for information.Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.
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* Parts of Missouri were rocked by a 4.0 magnitude earthquake early Tuesday. Highways in Missouri are reported to have buckled and cracked, and there are sinkholes. And that was before the earthquake.
* Schools are closed on Presidents Day. With the childhood obesity epidemic, doesn't it also make sense to close them on Fat Tuesday?
* I read that we're flirting with the historic 13,000 barrier. I'm unsure if that's a Dow Jones reference or if it refers to the number of Omaha water main breaks.
* According to the State Department, the Keystone XL pipeline would create few permanent jobs. The way this is dragging on, about the only permanent jobs will be for the people arguing whether or not to build a Keystone XL pipeline.
* There's a plan to fix the parking situation in downtown Omaha and the Old Market. Compared with this, enacting that plan to put a man on Mars should be a cinch.
* Ron Paul slammed Rick Santorum as being too liberal. That's a little like calling Sean Hannity too far to the left.
* The sheriff of a small town in Colorado is demanding that Mitt Romney pay $25,000 for security provided to him during a high school visit. Romney is planning to come up with the money by scooping up the loose change on his dresser.
* Santorum said he has concerns about women in frontline combat. Anyone who thinks women don't have the mind-set to be in frontline combat just needs to take a look at Nancy Pelosi's expression next time Newt Gingrich is speaking.
* Gingrich said Brad Pitt should play him in a movie. This is expected to cause zero new voters to think that Gingrich possesses the judgment skill set to be president.
* I love campaign season. You have candidates saying our tax system is broken, our health care system is pathetic, our retirement plans stink, our school system is abhorrent. Then they stand up and shout, "I want to lead the greatest nation on Earth."
* There are reportedly 8 million dead people still on U.S. voter registration rolls. Six million of the dead are somehow planning on getting to the polls to vote out incumbent members of Congress.
* Outside the Westminster dog show, a group of dogs "protested" Mitt Romney. Based on an informal study, the dogs had a better understanding of their protest than 20 percent of the Occupy movement.
* Dramatic images and tests of Saturn reveal that temperatures can vary from 300 degrees to minus-400 degrees. Or, as we call that in Nebraska, "March."
* Congressman Lee Terry just held a Twitter town hall. This shows how far we've come. When Terry was first elected to Congress, we were communicating by telegraph.
* The 2012 Democratic National Convention is going to begin at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. To win over the crowd there, instead of balloons, tobacco products will be dropped into the crowd.
* Due to a bank's error, a man in India has $9.8 billion in his checking account. To give you an idea how messed up the banking industry is, even though he has $9.8 billion, not a single U.S. bank will give him a home loan.
* Petco is being sued for allegedly cutting off a dog's ear and gluing it back on. Well, at least they tried to make it right.
* Omaha Mayor Jim Suttle proposed using landlords to fight crime. Today, the Omaha Landlords Association announced that as a deterrent, instead of bail we should charge those arrested a ridiculously large security deposit.
* Amanda Knox signed a large book deal. Who says there's little opportunity for young Americans? All you gotta do is go to school in Italy, get arrested for a serious crime, spend a few years in prison, get convicted, win on appeal and move back home. Then you'll get your shot.
* Police in Georgia say a man smuggled a 10-inch gun into prison inside his rectum. Let's hope the TSA doesn't hear about this, or those airport security checks just got a whole lot worse.
* Enrollment of Chinese students at Iowa State is up 2,000 percent, with the students flocking here to avoid oppression. After experiencing life as a member of the Big 12 North, things at home don't seem so bad.
* A man is recovering after suffering a heart attack while dining at a Las Vegas restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill. He was eating something called a Triple Bypass Burger. I'm guessing he can't sue them because he thought he was getting something healthy.
* A Colorado wild animal preserve with 120 lions suffered two break-ins. All of a sudden my guard Lhasa apso seems even lamer.
* A hotel in California is now offering "dog surfing." How does this work? Dad's mulling vacation destinations. "Grand Canyon? Too hot. Hawaii? Too dull. I know. Let's find a place where Fido can finally learn to surf!"
* In India, the world's smallest woman -- who's a celebrity simply based on her size -- has endorsed the right wing political party. I'd make fun except I live in a country where people become celebrities by drinking goat urine on "Fear Factor."
* An Illinois couple is letting strangers on Facebook choose the name of their unborn child. The dad said, "Facebook is such a big part of our culture, this is the way society is going to go." No, I think because idiots are becoming a bigger part of our culture, this is how society is gonna go.
* A competitor tested positive for marijuana after UFC 143. It mellowed him out so much that he only bit off half his opponent's nose.
* Peyton Manning's passing skills are reportedly subpar as he tries to come back from surgery. That has to be tough. You go from the best player in the NFL to third team during backyard family games of touch.
* The Mars rover Curiosity is carrying a penny to the Red Planet. It's an experiment to see if a Kansas City Royals performance bonus can exist in zero gravity.
* Jose Canseco is attempting a baseball comeback in Mexico. This would be the greatest comeback ever by a professional athlete who once fought to a draw with Danny Bonaduce.
* Tom Brady's sister is marrying Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis. Gisele Bundchen is planning to attend, just to criticize everyone who tries to catch the bouquet.
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