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Brad's morning edition
Check back with Omaha.com this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* According to disclosure forms, Bob Kerrey has assets valued between $5.2 million and $17.6 million. He has a new title: "World's wealthiest guest house inhabitant."
* President Obama said that Ronald Reagan could not win a GOP primary today. This means that for the first time, Newt Gingrich is legitimately entitled to compare himself to Ronald Reagan.
* Not just Reagan, but George Washington could never be elected today. A bald candidate with wooden teeth who never told a lie? He'd be lucky to make it past the Iowa caucuses.
* Earlier this week, Ann Romney held a simultaneous birthday celebration/fundraiser. President Obama whistled and said, "She's good. Oh, man, she's good."
* Donald Trump hosted the Ann Romney birthday party. All the guests had cake and ice cream, then broke into groups of four for a scavenger hunt where they looked for Obama's birth certificate.
* It's hard for Obama campaign officials to criticize the birthday party/fundraiser, seeing as how they charged that six cents per egg "campaign donor fee" in the White House Easter egg roll.
* On a visit to the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin. Apparently, the confrontation began when Gingrich realized the penguin was five points ahead of him in the polls.
* I'm trying to confirm that right before biting Gingrich, the penguin screamed, "Drop out of the race!"
* In Elyria, Ohio, President Obama visited a program where unemployed workers become students. That's not to be confused with next month, when Obama will speak at several college commencements featuring students about to become unemployed workers.
* On Wednesday, President Obama welcomed the national football champion Alabama Crimson Tide to the White House for the second time in three years. This means Alabama football players have been to the White House once more than Joe Biden.
* After welcoming Alabama twice in three years, Obama's approval rating among Auburn fans is .0001 percent.
* Congress is investigating the Secret Service prostitution scandal, where agents allegedly brought 20 prostitutes back to their hotel in Cartagena, Colombia. We'll soon get to the bottom of this. If there were 20 prostitutes, several members of Congress are bound to know a few.
* There's talk of Hillary Clinton running for president in 2016. Bill Clinton is expected to endorse Hillary, mostly just to get her out of the house.
* Allegiant Air is going to begin charging $35 per piece of carry-on luggage. I wouldn't say airline fees are out of hand, but now the oxygen masks are going to take American Express.