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Brad's morning edition
Check back with Omaha.com this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* On this long holiday weekend, please remember the downtrodden without a roof over their heads. Of course I'm referring to investors who bought the Facebook IPO.
* One analyst placed a "sell" rating on Facebook stock. Another placed a "hold" rating on it. And a third analyst placed a rare "vomit" rating on Facebook.
* Munch's painting "The Scream" just sold at auction for $119.9 million. Now if you couldn't afford that, just watch the expression of most homeowners in Douglas County in the next few days when they open their property-tax appraisal.
* According to a new study, by Jan. 1, 2030, 42 percent of Americans will suffer from obesity. To mark the occasion, instead of a ball dropping in Times Square on New Year's Eve 2029, it's going to be a wheel of cheese.
* According to another study, 96 percent of restaurant chain meals exceed the USDA daily limits for fat, saturated fat, calories and sodium. If we served captured prisoners of war restaurant chain food, we'd be violating eight provisions of the Geneva Conventions.
* In Des Moines on Thursday, President Obama compared Mitt Romney's rhetoric to a "cow pie of distortion." It's unclear if this is going to help Obama in Iowa by opening eyes to Romney's supposed distortion, or hurt Obama because he thinks all Iowans use "cow pie" in regular conversation.
* At a gala in Monaco, Bill Clinton posed with two porn stars. When asked, "Aren't you afraid this will harm your reputation?" the porn stars said, "Yes, but it'll be short-lived."
* Joe the Plumber called recent comments by Joe Biden "asinine." And thus, the latest salvo in one of the great political feuds. Ha, I just couldn't resist that.
* Biden is comparing this to the time a gnat landed on his forehead.
* In Dubuque, Iowa, a man was arrested for DUI with a small zebra and a parrot in his trunk. I'd be happy if I could fit a standard-size spare tire in my trunk.
* The news keeps getting worse for this guy. The parrot just volunteered to testify against him.
* Over Pompano Beach, Fla., a door fell off a passing plane and landed on a golf course. The way things have been going for him, there was a 51 percent chance that it hit Tiger Woods.
* The pilot doesn't see a problem. He yelled, "fore."
* Danica Patrick won't compete in the Indianapolis 500 this year. It'll be quite an adjustment for home viewers, to not have the cameras tracking the car in 23rd place the entire race.
* I saw that Dale Earnhardt Jr. is getting "a new feature" for his car. A gas pedal?
* The NFL patted itself on the back because the number of player arrests is down, with only 62 last year. I think you only feel good about 62 arrests if you're chairman of the National Association of Former Child Actors.