Breaking Brad: 200,000 texts a second - Omaha.com
Published Thursday, May 31, 2012 at 12:01 am / Updated at 11:09 am
Breaking Brad: 200,000 texts a second

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition

Check back with Omaha.com this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* On Wednesday Eppley Airfield, reported 0.01 inch of precipitation. Or, as local TV weathercasters called it, "the Midwestern monsoon."

* To their credit, despite the deluge, Eppley officials kept flight delays to a minimum.

* Bellevue police chief John Stacey will retire and receive $212,800 for his unused leave in addition to his pension. Every day the line blurs a little more between resigning in disgrace and winning the lottery.

* A UNL undergraduate is suspected of hacking into a computer system containing thousands of student social security numbers and grades. He still didn't find what he was looking for: a football team depth chart.

* The Mitt Romney campaign released a phone app in which "America" is misspelled. This wouldn't have been so offensive if it didn't occur on the first day of the Scripps National Spelling Bee, where a 10-year-old correctly spelled "semelparous."

* The Romney campaign misspelled "America." There goes the conservative vote.

* A Chinese company has purchased the AMC movie chain for $2.6 million. That's OK. They'll get that money back the first time someone buys an AMC theater concession item.

* According to a study, 200,000 text messages are sent every second. Well, 200,001 including the texts with proper grammar and spelling.

* According to the same study, people tend to be more honest in text messages. New rule: Starting tomorrow, instead of in speeches, all candidates for political office must spell out their promises via text message exclusively.

* The John Edwards jury has been deliberating for eight days. That's misleading, because when a celebrity is on trial, it's customary for the first six days of juror deliberations to be spent negotiating book deals.

* A rare species of endangered bird called piping plovers have been swarming to Lake McConaughy. There are actually two endangered species at McConaughy on holiday weekends, the other being the "sober camper."

* Arriving at an event, Mitt Romney came in the back door after using a double and a decoy car. Not for security purposes - he was trying to lose Donald Trump.

* A new book claims that in his high school yearbook, President Obama thanked his marijuana dealer. Note to graduating seniors: If you put it in writing, roughly 99.5 percent of everything you think is funny at this time eventually will be used against you if you run for office.

* Remember the good old days when our elected leaders used to thank their scout leader who helped them make Eagle?

* Detroit Lions kicker Jason Hanson is about to turn 42 and is heading into his 21st season with the Lions. This made John Edwards feel better during his trial. While Edwards faces up to 30 years in prison, that's still better than 21 seasons with the Lions.

* A longtime San Antonio Spurs fan just got Tony Parker's face tattooed on the top of his head. How great would it be if Parker is traded to the Celtics in the offseason?

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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