Breaking Brad: On fire with grizzly bears edition - Omaha.com
Published Monday, November 26, 2012 at 12:01 am / Updated at 12:56 pm
Breaking Brad: On fire with grizzly bears edition

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition.

* Striking Wal-Mart employees failed to distract Black Friday shoppers. If you’ve been to Wal-Mart on Black Friday, you know the store could be on fire with grizzly bears running amok and shoppers wouldn’t be distracted.

* On Thursday, police were called to several Kmarts to deal with unruly shoppers. “Attention Kmart shoppers: You have the right to remain silent ...”

* The manager of a discount store in Tennessee is accused of punching a Black Friday shopper in the face. That’s very bizarre. Normally on Black Friday the Tennessee discount store managers only punch customers in the gut.

* In Kennesaw, Ga., people were camped outside a Best Buy store days before Black Friday. Surely there are better things to do in Kennesaw than sleep in a tent in a Best Buy parking - oh, wait, turns out there’s not.

* On Black Friday, my hair was pulled, I was stepped on, I was cursed at. And I was shopping online.

* On Black Friday, stores were crowded, traffic was crazy and airports were packed. By comparison, Dec. 21, when the world ends, won’t seem so bad.

* Something like 50,000 large screen televisions were sold on Black Friday. After Lindsay Lohan’s performance as Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime movie that aired Sunday night, two-thirds of those TVs were returned to the stores.

* There were a record 900 clowns at the Macy’s parade. Nine hundred clowns were on TV at once. It was like an episode of “Judge Judy.”

* There were so many clowns, for a second I thought I was watching C-Span.

* Small Business Saturday put the spotlight on mom and pop stores. Actually many are now just Mom stores, after Pop was let go so they could afford to pay for Obamacare.

* Fans of the undefeated Ohio State football team are petitioning President Obama to allow them to play in a BCS game. The scary thing is, considering how important Ohio was, if they’d done this before the election it probably would’ve worked.

* In his Thanksgiving address to the nation, President Obama called for Americans to come together. Unfortunately, while Obama was delivering his remarks, in the congressional cafeteria a Democrat and a Republican were engaged in hand-to-hand combat over who got the last drumstick.

* While Obama was calling for the nation to come together, five Tea Party members stood behind him making funny faces.

* Mitt Romney is blaming his loss on President Obama promising “gifts” to voters. Obama said he’d have no comment until he’s done passing out free microwave ovens to every resident of Steubenville, Ohio.

* There are calls for the Republican Party to be “more inclusive.” So now Republicans are going to begin recruiting fringe Protestants.

* Unemployment in the U.S. has dropped across 37 states. Of course, the way things are going, those 37 states will soon secede from the union and statistically won’t count.

* Colorado residents filed a petition to secede from the U.S. Because it’s Colorado, the petition is written on rolling papers.

* The leaders of the secessionist movement: Texas, Florida, Colorado and California. Let’s all agree here and now if those four want to leave the U.S., nobody stops ‘em.

* Nebraska has now joined the secessionist movement. Some Nebraskans are passionate about wanting out of the country. Just not as passionate as they were about wanting out of the Big 12.

* Nebraska could form its own country. The worst part would be having to listen to “the girls are the fairest, the boys are the squarest” as part of our national anthem.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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