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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* Friday is March 1. You know what they say in Nebraska: If March comes in like a lamb, it’ll go out like an angry, hungry pit bull defending her cubs. Or something like that.
* On Thursday, Mayor Jim Suttle delivered his annual State of the City address. You can tell the primary is weeks away because he delivered the speech from a parked snowplow.
* Two new Walmarts open in the Omaha area on Friday. Executives at Scooters and Walgreens said: “Don’t you think we have enough Walmarts in town?”
* The U.S. Postal Service is launching its own clothing line. You will soon be able to dress like a U.S. Postal Service employee. Can you imagine how fast this stuff will sell out during prom season?
* Next year’s Academy Awards red carpet ought to be something. “Who are you wearing?” “Versace.” “Who are you wearing?” “U.S. Postal Service.”
* I saw another one of those billboards warning about the end of times. This one was paid for by the White House touting what will happen if sequester cuts kick in.
* With the massive sequester cuts about to kick in, President Obama called on Democrats and Republicans in Congress to compromise. Congressional Democrats and Republicans will have no comment until their translator is available to tell them just what is meant by “compromise.”
* The deadline is expected to pass with no action. By the way, that’s the most common statement written about the current Congress. You think that’s bad, I remember one year when the most common was, “House member caught in fountain with pants down.”
* It’s a strange world we inhabit when the odds of the president and Congress reaching compromise are less than those of a meteor crashing into Russia.
* Members of Congress did not seem optimistic on staving off sequester cuts on Thursday, as they left town for the weekend. OK, I see one problem right there. We’re led by people who think the weekend starts on a Thursday.
* Some $85 billion in automatic sequester cuts are scheduled to go into effect. Oh, and hearing $85 billion reminds me: Don’t forget, Omaha property taxes are due the end of this month.
* Federal sequester cuts will supposedly make Chicago’s O’Hare Airport less user-friendly. If O’Hare is any less user-friendly, it effectively becomes a Turkish prison with runways.
* Due to the sequester, one of two air traffic towers at O’Hare Airport may shut down. Wouldn’t it be a better idea to start by closing an airport gift shop?
* Talk about quick thinking. President Obama is claiming that, due to the sequester cuts, the White House can no longer afford to have his mother-in-law living with him.
* Michelle Obama appeared with a dozen athletes and a “surprise musical guest” on Thursday to kick off year three of her “Let’s Move” campaign. I didn’t catch the event, so I don’t know the name of the musical guest, but I’ve narrowed down to one of the 778 celebrity musicians regularly seen with the Obamas.
* We have learned Hillary Clinton’s next move. She’s going to give paid speeches. This was announced by the group “Gee, That Surprised No One.”
* Washington state is looking to hire a “pot consultant” -- an expert on marijuana now that it’s legal there. When Obama promised to create good jobs for college grads, I’m not sure this is what he had in mind.
* On Tuesday, a special U.S. congressional primary was held for a district in Chicago. The special election was set up so fast, election commissioners barely had time to assign the names of dead people to all the voters.
* Tom Horton, the American Airlines CEO, will receive a severance payout of almost $20 million. Here’s the interesting thing -- he still can’t afford the American Airlines’ baggage fees.
* A severance payout of $20 million? Who does this guy think he is -- police chief of Omaha?