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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* Omaha Mayor Jim Suttle introduced his plan to get re-elected, I mean, to foster economic growth in the city.
* Mayor Suttle has a new plan to foster economic growth in Omaha. Actually, this won't help him get re-elected. Let's be honest. Omahans choose their mayors based entirely on the number of hours, minutes and seconds it takes for the plow to arrive at their streets after it snows.
* Thirty-nine candidates have filed to run for nine OPS Board seats. We've had elections when 39 people didn't vote in the OPS Board race.
* Bob Woodward claims he had a hostile exchange with a senior White House official. Well, that rules out Biden.
* Actually, the senior official was just identified as a White House economic adviser. I'm stunned. I mean just the part about the White House having an economic adviser is stunning.
* Our elected representatives were unable to avoid the sequester. Of course, sequester is the Latin word for “doofuses.”
* Sequester cuts will supposedly delay the launch of new weather satellites and will make weathercasting more difficult. Gosh forbid that near-perfect science of weathercasting would ever be tarnished.
* This means that if the new weather satellites are not launched, our meteorologists have to continue their current method of Rock, Paper, Scissors to predict weather.
* The sequester cuts will also could mean that air-traffic controllers will be laid off immediately. The head of the air-traffic controllers union is livid. He said if there are massive layoffs, the controllers will have to find new places to nap.
* In his weekly radio address, President Obama called on Congress to do the smart thing. Where has this guy been for the past 200 years?
* The public is livid with Congress over the sequester. People are so disgusted and so put off by the stupidity, arrogance and gross incompetence that one or two Americans may actually vote against an incumbent in the next election.
* President Obama recently appeared on Al Sharpton's radio show to discuss sequester cuts. Well, because the interview on the Sharpton show was only 20 minutes, technically Obama didn't get a chance to speak.
* The sequester cuts are supposedly going to lead to longer lines at airport security. Not only that, but the million-dollar body scanners are out. Instead, airport security agents are just going to mentally undress you.
* Alex Rodriguez's name appeared on a performance enhancers report. The coalition of everybody in the world shocked by this will be meeting inside a Kum & Go.
* The Bakersfield Condors minor league hockey team brought out a live condor during the national anthem. It didn't go well. That's if your definition of “didn't go well” includes seeing your goalie carried off by a bird before the opening faceoff.