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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* In Texas, a car set a new land speed record traveling 265.7 mph. Fortunately because this occurred on a Texas highway, the speed limit was 266 mph.
* That breaks the old record of 264 mph set by an Omaha commuter on snow.
* A Gering, Neb., woman won $237,000 at a Deadwood, S.D., casino. She plans to use the money to buy Gering.
* There is a new YouTube video of a two-headed tiny turtle. No wonder voter turnout was so low on Tuesday.
* A list of states running out of water due to the drought was released, and No. 1 in the entire nation: Nebraska. Meanwhile, Lincoln was just named the No. 1 metropolitan area in the country for well being. So, apparently the criteria for well being no longer includes water.
* Due to a new potential threat from bird flu, people around the world are being warned not to play with pigeon feces. There go my plans for the weekend.
* President Obama is going to return five percent of his annual salary out of solidarity with furloughed government workers. Not only that, but to show his solidarity with Joe Biden, Obama is gonna spend one hour per week building things out of Legos in his office.
* Then, in solidarity with American workers of the future, Obama is going to learn to speak Chinese.
* President Obama visited Miami to discuss road construction. This would have been a perfect opportunity for Obama to come to Nebraska. After all, Omaha is the “Orange traffic cone capital of North America.”
* During an interview with a CBS affiliate, Michelle Obama slipped and referred to herself as a busy, single mother. This is when you know President Obama is playing too much golf.
* During a fundraiser in California on Thursday, President Obama called California Attorney General Kamala Harris the “best looking attorney general in the country.” Apparently, spending all those months campaigning with Bill Clinton had an effect on Obama after all.
* Obama is now answering to his new title: Flirt-In-Chief.
* Some experts feel that, in complimenting the looks of the California attorney general, Obama was trying to make Beyonce jealous.
* North Korea is moving missiles. Now before you become too alarmed at the potential threat, it's moving them via pack mule.
* In international news, leaders of Cyprus went into a funk after realizing their gross national product was half as much as the N.Y. Yankees' opening day payroll.
* Physicists in Texas have reportedly developed a method to make objects invisible. I think if the entire state of Texas became invisible, it'd be OK with Nebraskans.
* Scientists announced this week that a 5.6 earthquake felt in Oklahoma in 2011 was caused by oil-drilling waste underground. I recall that earthquake vividly. The ground was shaking so hard, an Oklahoma football player was knocked into class.
* The Academy of Country Music Awards show is this Sunday. It is a huge deal. It's one of the seven most important country music awards shows this month.
* Let's be honest: there are too many country music awards shows. The categories include “Best Single Since Thursday.”