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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* According to the U.S. Dept. Of Labor, thousands of new jobs have been created. Unfortunately, they're all for claims adjusters in Omaha.
* Flooding was possible in eastern Nebraska on Thursday night. The big challenge would be determining where the Omaha water main breaks end and the flood begins.
* The new baby pygmy hippopotamus just went on display at the Henry Doorly Zoo. To avoid the likely huge crowds, I just Googled a photo of a hippopotamus and shrunk it.
* There is enormous interest in the animal in Omaha. I say next time we have a primary election, we place a baby pygmy hippopotamus inside every polling station to lure Omahans in.
* Saturday is 420 -- the day for marijuana enthusiasts to supposedly celebrate. Or, as this is now called in Colorado: “The new Thanksgiving.”
* A big celebration is planned on Saturday in Denver. Because it's for marijuana enthusiasts, most of the crowd doesn't show up until Tuesday.
* Another Carnival cruise ship has lost power. Carnival has a new slogan: “The OPPD of the Sea.”
* You can tell Carnival is having a lot of problems with ships losing power. In the latest brochures, instead of passengers swimming, snorkeling and eating, Carnival touts its new activity: “Fun with hand shadows.”
* President Obama is calling for creating a map of the human brain. Forget that -- after using Google Maps, I'd be happy if we could just get an accurate map of the route from 120th and Dodge to 37th and Leavenworth.
* On “Entertainment Tonight,” Michelle Obama was questioned about her bangs. Nice to see the Obamas are finally being asked the tough questions by the national media.
* Actor Harrison Ford visited the White House. This came about after the Obamas were discussing celebrities who've come to the White House and suddenly realized they'd missed one.
* The Falklands voted to remain a British overseas territory. The measure got 99.8 percent of the vote. Dick Morris predicted the election would go the other way.
* Taco Bell has promised to make its menu healthier ... by the year 2020. If you're keeping track, it now takes roughly the same amount of time to create a healthy burrito as it does to land a man on Mars.
* In seven years, Taco Bell will have come up with a healthy menu. It took less time to develop the Stealth fighter than it does to design a low-fat tortilla.
* According to a report, in the future, what you tweet may factor into your credit score. You think the credit bureaus are an insipid, inaccurate, cold, heartless, insulting, miserable, arcane mess now -- just wait until Twitter is involved.
* A couple who met on “The Bachelor” just debuted their new baby in People magazine. They want the baby to be a normal kid. Attention couple who met on “The Bachelor”: Normal kids don't debut in People magazine.
* The Jodi Arias jury may get magazines with all the stories about the Arias trial cut out. Where can I find magazines like this?
* Justin Bieber's pet monkey was seized by customs officials in Germany. This is unconscionable. Not only is the monkey a pet, but he's also Bieber's chief lyricist.
* A man in New Jersey allegedly stole $117,000 worth of perfume. To put that in perspective, that's how much perfume the other person is wearing every time you step into an elevator.
* At Grand Valley State College, a student successfully sued the school and won the right to keep a guinea pig in her dorm room. Now she has to contend with PETA, which claims the typical dorm room isn't large enough or sanitary enough to accommodate a guinea pig.
* Wednesday marked the 223rd anniversary of the death of Benjamin Franklin. This shows how far society has fallen -- we've gone from a guy who discovered electricity to scientists whose greatest breakthrough is the Egg Genie.