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This is Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes.
* It's reported that the city of Omaha faces a $13.5 million budget shortfall. You think the uncut grass along city roadways is long now -- soon, it will resemble the Amazon Rainforest.
* After she was sworn into office, Omaha Mayor Jean Stothert told the crowd: "I will work every day to earn your continued trust and your confidence." I think that sounds better than saying: "I'll work even days of the week to earn your support."
* Justin Wayne is the new OPS board president. Apparently he drew the short straw.
* Gretna city officials approved building an 80-acre recreation area. To fund the project, Gretna will use the money its former leaders would have spent on lingerie and booze.
* Police in Venezuela raided a house to recover 2,480 unauthorized rolls of toilet paper. I think this explains why the show "Cops In Venezuela" never caught on.
* "Throw out your two-ply, and come out with your hands in the air."
* On Monday, President Obama held a "secret meeting" with U.S. reporters. Out of respect for the office, cable news channels waited a full 11 minutes to report details.
* Halfway through the "secret meeting," USA Today posted a pie chart listing all the topics covered thus far.
* There is talk that Jesse "The Body" Ventura will run for president in 2016. This will be the first time a candidate for office places an opponent in a collar-elbow hook-up since the Omaha mayoral forum at Anthony's.
* You think there's a lot of acrimony in Washington, D.C., now -- wait until the president uses a claw hold on a the Speaker of the House.
* The White House has postponed its annual congressional picnic because President Obama is purportedly too busy. If he's now photographed playing golf with the actor who played Urkel, imagine the slap in the face to Congress.
* The real reason the congressional picnic was canceled? Nobody wants to see John Boehner with an even deeper tan.
* Note to World-Herald editors: From now on, rather than email my column in each morning, I'll fax it to keep these jokes away from the prying eyes of the NSA.
* Edward Snowden's girlfriend reportedly blogged she's "lost at sea." I'm unsure if that's a metaphor or whether she's on a Carnival cruise.
* The government-spying-on-our-phone-records scandal continues to grow. At a recent press conference, President Obama said: "Next question -- you, the guy in the red shirt who called Domino's 11 times last month."