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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* The new royal baby is reportedly spending his time eating, belching, sleeping and pooping. Imagine that? Only one day old, and he's already performing his official royal duties.
* President Obama released a statement basically saying he's been on the edge of his seat, eagerly awaiting news of the royal baby. The statement was coordinated by Obama's newly confirmed Secretary of Insincerity.
* Before the royal birth, 50,000 bets were placed on a likely baby name, with George and James the frontrunners. The long shots -- Wilbur, Kanye and Newt.
* All of Great Britain is breathing a collective sigh of relief -- the royal baby does not have Charles' ears.
* I wouldn't say it was a big event for the major TV networks, but Diane Sawyer cut the umbilical chord.
* The royal baby was born into a life of wealth, power and pampering. Eat your heart out, North West Kardashian.
* Someone emailed photos of a woman in a short dress posing on top of a fire truck and with two firefighters to the mayor's hotline. I'm tempted to say this could harm relations between the mayor's office and Fire Department, but that's impossible.
* Apparently due to budget woes, Omaha fire stations are now available for bachelor parties and wedding receptions.
* More than 580 uniformed members of the Nebraska National Guard have been furloughed due to federal sequester cuts. This is happening around the country. Until the National Guard is back up and running, the U.S. Congress has issued an edict: NO NATURAL DISASTERS MAY OCCUR.
* A Kimball, Neb., man has won a $1 million lottery. He was photographed standing beside his new frontyard lawn ornament: Chimney Rock.
* On Monday, President Obama met with a group of celebrities who want to promote Obamacare. It's the thing most important to the president -- celebrities, not Obamacare.
* I wouldn't say Congress has been slow to approve Cabinet nominees, but Grover Cleveland's Commerce Secretary nominee will be sworn in on Tuesday.
* Milk prices are expected to escalate late this summer due to "overheated cows." The Obama economic team has finally come up with a solution to improve our economic well-being: "cow fans."
* In China, some of the world's oldest writing has been discovered. I believe it was Morley Safer's first "60 Minutes" contract.
* The "largest building in the world" has opened in China. The population in China is so enormous, it's a Baskin-Robbins.