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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* It's so hot in Omaha, I saw a mirage -- sanctioned roadwork that was completed on schedule.
* Omaha Mayor Jean Stothert and Fire Chief Mike McDonnell reached an agreement for McDonnell to retire. Stothert personally oversaw the "Don't Let the Door Hit You in the Butt on Your Way Out" exit package.
* I wouldn't say McDonnell got a sweet deal, but he left the meeting driving Mayor Stothert's hybrid.
* McDonnell will receive a pension of $10,900 per month. That's Bike Czar money.
* Stothert and McDonnell signed a joint non-disparagement clause that's in effect until July 1. You know what that means? On July 2, all hell breaks loose.
* A section of the Keystone Trail is closed for repairs through Thursday. Now, Omaha is even closing roads you just walk on.
* Everyone's still talking about the MTV Video Music Awards, which featured several half-naked women cavorting. It looked like an Omaha fire station on a Saturday night.
* An Iowa woman who wanted to lose weight swallowed a tapeworm she purchased online. This is when you know Americans loathe exercise and dieting -- swallowing a tapeworm is a viable alternative to drop a few pounds.
* A 53-year-old Iowa grandmother gave birth to her daughter's twins. Next time someone tries to tell you Iowa is not a progressive state, show 'em this story.
* All I know is, come Mother's Day, this is going to be one confused family.
* According to a transportation research group, only 38 percent of U.S. roads are in good condition. It's actually not that dire. Take Missouri out of the equation, and 85 percent of our roads are in good condition.
* Big announcement on Monday: Subway is going to begin serving sandwiches on garlic bread. This is of much more significance to Americans than President Obama canceling his summit with Vladimir Putin.
* Photographs have emerged of Bill Clinton playing miniature golf. This is when you know the world economy is lagging -- Clinton and some other world leader are discussing vital policy issues as they try to hit a ball through Yogi Bear's legs.
* You think Clinton looked rather silly. I feel for his caddy -- Al Gore.
* U.S. media have reached a new low. At President Obama's latest press conference, all the questions revolved around the selection of Ben Affleck to play Batman.
* Newt Gingrich said, "Hillary Clinton may beat Hillary Clinton." After hearing this, Democrats responded: "Can we legally run Hillary against Hillary for the nomination?"