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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read Brad's morning jokes.
* Businesses along Highway 370 are upset that the widening project is taking longer than expected. It was supposed to be completed when pigs fly, but now they're saying it won't be finished until hell freezes over.
* Unless Congress strikes a deal, the federal government will shut down at midnight on Monday, and nonessential federal government personnel will be laid off. I propose that includes anyone who stood and listened to Sen. Ted Cruz blabber for 15 hours or longer.
* On the floor of the U.S. Senate, Ted Cruz spoke nonstop for over 21 hours. Some people in attendance at Sunday's Emmy Awards ceremony have had marriages that didn't last that long.
* A "large, testicle-biting fish" has been discovered in a lake in New Jersey. Nebraskans and Iowans should never again complain about zebra mussels in local lakes.
* Burger King has introduced its new "Satisfries." Great. The only ally we have left is France, and we're removing the name "French"?
* I think it was a bit much to have the U.S. Supreme Court justices standing behind the Burger King CEO when "Satisfries" were unveiled.
* George Zimmerman's wife, Shellie, has filed for divorce. If Zimmerman thought standing trial for murder was an ordeal ...
* Bob Newhart, 84, just won his first Emmy Award for a guest appearance on "The Big Bang Theory." Something is drastically wrong in this world when Bob Newhart doesn't have an Emmy until he's 84 and Taylor Swift has a garage full of awards before she's old enough to drive.
* Fergie has given birth to a baby boy. There are now an estimated 37 Black Eyed Peas on earth.
* This year, bags carried into the stadium by NFL fans are required to be clear. It's not for security. The point is to advertise the 11 brands of alcohol typically brought into the stadium by the average NFL fan.
* Among the allegations against the Oklahoma State football program: players were paid to fish. When you hear stories like this, it's hard to believe so many former athletes end up broke.
* Jacoby Jones of the Baltimore Ravens was hit in the head with a champagne bottle by a stripper named Sweet Pea aboard a party bus. And they ask: "Where are the new members of Congress coming from?"