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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* An Omaha public relations consultant and her national company have declared Tuesday to be Snark Free Day. OK, that means no Breaking Brad column. I'll see you Wednesday.
* According to a World-Herald article, Mayor Stothert may not continue efforts by her predecessor to make Omaha increasingly bike-friendly. Bike-friendly? How about we start by making this city car-friendly?
* Nebraska State Sen. Scott Lautenbaugh proposed that third graders be able to read or else be held back. Read? What do kids read anymore? If they can text at a third-grade level, send them on to fourth grade.
* Archeologists in Great Britain uncovered a 900-year-old mansion. It looks like something you'd find in the newer part of Dundee.
* In Iowa City, a man whose last name is “Fudge” has been charged with stealing ice cream. I wonder if when the cops caught up to him, they yelled “Freeze!”
* Over the weekend, Benson hosted a "zombie walk." Because it's Benson, by the time the “zombies” got back to their starting point, there were eight new bars and five new restaurants.
* According to a new study, protons can live for one quintillion years. To put it in perspective, one quintillion years is how long the average Omaha street widening takes to complete.
* It's believed the recently discovered new planet, Gliese 1214b, has a water-rich atmosphere. It was first learned there's water on Gliese 1214b when MUD tried to send 'em a bill.
* This is interesting. Two hours after it was discovered there's water on the planet, nine Scooters opened on Gliese 1214b.
* I saw an online article titled “What To Know Before Dressing Your Pet Up For Halloween.” Well, I think the first thing you should know is, THE PETS HATE IT.
* Halloween is right around the corner. I have my costume picked out. I'll be going as “a nonessential federal government employee.”
* A 20-year-old Omaha woman went to police claiming she was defrauded of almost $5,000 after visiting a site for women looking for sugar daddies. Is nothing sacred these days? There are even charlatans involved in the sugar daddy industry!
* President Obama appeared with several Americans on Monday who have successfully navigated the Obamacare website. You know the technical term for these Americans? “Computer geniuses.”
* There's a new, more effective way of signing up for Obamacare. Forget the website. Instead, simply type “I desire health care” in the body of an email, send it to yourself, NSA spy technology will read the email and enroll you in a suitable plan.