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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read his morning jokes.
* A painting by Francis Bacon sold at a New York auction for a record of over $142 million. Not because the painting was that good. Because the artist's name is "Bacon." America has a thing for bacon.
* Before you get too full of yourselves: That's Omaha sewer renovation money.
* New guidelines call for Americans to do 40 minutes of exercise most days. It used to be 20 minutes, and we didn't do that. Then, it was raised to 30 minutes, and we didn't do that. At the current rate, in a few years, Americans will not be doing a recommended 100 minutes of daily exercise.
* Now, the definition of "exercise" is pretty lenient. My just typing that sentence counts.
* The White House technology chief testified before Congress on Wednesday about HealthCare.Gov. He was delayed when he forgot how to work the light switch in his house.
* I read that prison phone calls are getting cheaper. So, if you're looking for a good calling plan that's not increasing in price, I think your options are pretty much limited to being incarcerated.
* A 105-year-old man in Philadelphia has earned his high school diploma. Of course, because it's Philadelphia, he was booed at commencement.
* Kate Upton is under consideration to be the next “Bond girl.” All that's needed is for producers to waive the acting requirement.
* Britney Spears wrote a handwritten letter to her fans. Britney's fans said: “Is Twitter broken?”
* Britney's fans will respond once they find somebody capable of reading handwriting to decipher it.
* Tuesday was a milestone night for Tim Miles. He got his 300th career college win and sent his 1.3-millionth career tweet.
* On eBay, you can buy signed, authenticated Jim Palmer underwear from the 1970s. Next time you're sick of your job, be glad you're not an “underwear authenticator.”
* Oklahoma boosters are calling for the ouster of the Sooners' first-year band director. This is when you know a program's boosters are tough: They notice that “Boomer Sooner” was off by a half-a-note.
* An Auburn player allegedly faked an injury last week. If this proves true, Auburn administrators are prepared to dock his pay.
* Kris Humphries sold Kim Kardashian's engagement ring for $749,000 at an auction. Ah, love in America.