Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.
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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* Happy Presidents Day. Imagine if there were such a thing as Congress Day? To celebrate everyone argues, gets nothing accomplished and plans their reelection campaign.
* Abraham Lincoln walked miles to return a book he borrowed. After hearing this a group of school children said: “To return a what? Why didn’t he just tweet?”
* Groupon offered a weekend discount for Presidents Day by honoring Alexander Hamilton. One problem: Alexander Hamilton was never president, an alert consumer noticed. Are we that dumb as a nation it takes an alert consumer to know Alexander Hamilton was not a president?
* Monday morning Omaha streets were very slick in places. You know conditions are tough when there are more deicing trucks on the roads than cars.
* It’s expected to get up to 49 degrees. Finally, Omaha has a workable plan to clear side streets. It’s called “melting.”
* Beer Week in Omaha is underway. You know what that means — that 18-block parade had nothing to do with Presidents Day.
* On Saturday candidates for governor and Senate showed up in Valentine, Neb. for something called Bull Bash. Surprisingly, Bull Bash is a cowboy-centric event and has nothing to do with what the candidates are spewing during the campaign.
* The highlight was probably Jon Bruning wrestling the steer while wearing a $2,000 suit.
* There was some tension at Bull Bash, when Sid Dinsdale’s gentlemen’s gentlemen and Pete Ricketts’ chauffeur nearly came to blows.
* Students at Belle Ryan elementary school in Omaha are building robots. When I was in elementary school I spent eight months assembling my cardboard Valentine’s box.
* On Sunday both Creighton and Nebraska's men’s basketball teams defeated teams ranked in the top ten. At the risk of committing regional blasphemy: Who needs football?
* Bacon Week just wrapped up in Atlantic City. This is not to be confused with Bacon Decade, which we’re almost halfway through in Omaha.
* The U.S. and Russia were involved in a shootout...in Olympic hockey. Whew!
* Bob Costas chose to stay in Russia to be treated for his pinkeye. This is the most scathing indictment of Obamacare yet.
* A man in Arizona was arrested after he escaped from jail to meet his new Valentine. That’s when your Valentine’s Day blind date is off to a rocky start — the guy shows up in a pink jumpsuit.
* In North Carolina, Clay Aiken is running for U.S. Congress. Sadly, when you look at the current Congress, a former runner up on “American Idol” is probably overqualified.
* Nancy Pelosi is excited. If Aiken wins election she’ll have someone to go to Botox with.
* Mitt Romney said he will not run for president for a third time in 2016 despite apparent support. It’s too bad Romney can’t run against Newt Gingrich for the nomination in the GOP version of NBA throwback uniform night.
* U.S. Sen. Mark Warner backs a petition to deport Justin Bieber. I say without a trace of sarcasm: nice to see Congress finally taking on an issue that Americans care about.