brad_dickson

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/brad and follow him on Twitter.

* * * * *

Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes.

* Nebraska ranked high in a Centers for Disease Control study of where residents get the most sleep. I give most of the thanks to Gov. Pete Ricketts’ State of the State speech.

* Nebraska ranks high in a CDC study of where residents get the most sleep. I’m not surprised. I challenge anyone to ride across this great-but-flat state in the passenger seat of a vehicle and not nod off within the first four minutes.

* South Dakota ranked first. The new license plates are going to read, “South Dakota! Zzzzzzz.

* Iowa ranked high on the list of states where residents get the most sleep. Sure, Iowans can’t wait to get to sleep to dream about ethanol.

* Six Omaha families have appeared on "Family Feud" since try outs were held here in 2014. So many contestants are from Omaha you hear stuff like" “Name something that’s impossible?” “Completing road construction in under two years!”

* “Name something that takes 600 people.” “Filling a pothole!

* Also, “Things that cost a fortune.” “Your electric bill!” “Good answer!”

* At what point do viewers of the show ask, “Another family from Nebraska? Do half the people in the world live in Omaha?”

* A quick personal note. Please check out my Go Fund Me campaign to help pay my Douglas County property taxes.

* An eastbound lane of Ames Avenue near 56th Street is closed for five days for “utility work.” Oh, now traffic engineers are just making stuff up. I understand next week a street will close for “pavement flossing.

* Finishers at the Trek Up The Tower race in Omaha included a woman on crutches with a broken leg. This is why I don’t enter these things. It’s so you don’t see me on KETV finishing behind somebody on crutches.

* The Omaha Convention and Visitors Bureau has a new leader. Since part of his job is convincing tourists to visit Omaha in January and February I’m thinking he enjoys a challenge.

* There is a telephone museum in Lincoln featuring old phones. I remember when this was called Radio Shack.

* The woman who sneaked into the Henry Doorly Zoo and was bitten by a tiger has allegedly tried to bite a police officer. I’m guessing no one asked “I wonder where she learned that?”

* A bill to allow 18-year-olds to hold office in Nebraska died thanks to a filibuster by State Sen. Ernie Chambers. What’s the matter? Chambers afraid he wouldn’t be the only legislator walking around in a T-shirt and jeans?

* Chambers is 78 but seems younger, perhaps because he’s spent 60 of those years filibustering.

* According to a survey, Nebraska is the 10th healthiest state in the nation. Imagine how high we’d have finished if every other day in Omaha wasn’t part of a beer week or baconfest.

* A U.S. Senate panel approved a bill to make school lunches tastier. Soon, school lunches will taste almost half as good as supper in a Turkish prison.

* The Golden State Warriors are being proclaimed the new “America’s Team.” I did some research, and this does not mean the Warriors are overweight, in debt and obsessed with zombies.

* An Ohio girls high school basketball game ended in a score of 108-1. The losing coach said this is the last time he has his team prepare to play defense by watching the NBA All-Star Game.

* It’s MLB spring training time. The other day, pitchers, catchers and designated pee-ers reported.

* The new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue celebrates all body sizes. As opposed to the normal S.I. Swimsuit Issue which celebrates all body sizes from size 0 to size 1.

* SI.com ranked every pro wrestler by the quality of his name. For those who say the Nebraska 100 may be a waste of time, I give you this.

Commenting is limited to Omaha World-Herald subscribers. To sign up, click here.

If you're already a subscriber and need to activate your access or log in, click here.

(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Please keep it clean, turn off CAPS LOCK and don't threaten anyone. Be truthful, nice and proactive. And share with us - we love to hear eyewitness accounts.

You must be a digital subscriber to view this article.