brad_dickson

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/brad and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes.

* A quick heads up. Any kid who runs past my house screaming “Snow day, snow day” will be handed a shovel and told to start scooping.

* Most area schools are closed Tuesday. However, OPS officials are forming human chains to get to students’ houses and teach them sex ed.

* Omahans, please. Remain in your igloos. There is nothing to see outdoors.

* I knew the weather was gonna be bad about 6 a.m. Tuesday morning when Jim Cantore blew past my window.

* Most of the expected snow Tuesday morning has been delayed until the afternoon. My first reaction: I just hope I didn’t go through that food riot at the Walmart checkout Monday evening for nothing.

* Omaha is experiencing a winter storm/blizzard. Couldn’t someone have predicted this?

* An actual near-blizzard is predicted for Omaha. Remember that 4-inch snow where they had to close part of Dodge Street because all those cars were stuck? By comparison that was a light dusting.

* Omaha has updated its snow-removal plan. It’s about time. In the old plan there was a reference to west Omaha – 60th and Maple Streets.

* The new Omaha snow-removal program calls for sending the biggest plows to the major streets. I believe this is the “no brainer” plan.

* The biggest known prime number is 22 million digits long. That reminds me: I have to pay my Douglas County property taxes.

* Tuesday is Groundhog Day. After some of the weather forecasts in Omaha this winter, what do we have to lose by listening to Punxsutawney Phil?

* In Iowa, Hillary Clinton saw her shadow. And it was Bernie Sanders.

* Donald Trump is actually now feuding with Punxsutawney Phil. Something about how Phil disrespected Trump in ‘97.

* I’m thinking that if the groundhog doesn’t use Doppler radar or something called “a European computer model,” we’re in good weathercasting hands.

* The Iowa caucuses did not take place Monday night. Instead, people just stood around in small groups arguing and then joined other small groups. Wait, I’m told that was the Iowa caucuses.

* I thought I was watching several drag race cars hitting speeds of 200 mph. Those were actually the presidential candidates getting out of Iowa now that the caucuses are over.

* For those unfamiliar, the Iowa caucuses followed the same basic format as any election for sixth-grade president.

* The Iowa caucuses are when Iowans vote their hearts. Well, they vote what that “Duck Dynasty” guy tells them their hearts should say.

* The Toronto Raptors won 11 straight NBA games. You combine this with Ted Cruz’s showing in the Iowa caucuses and it’s been a good week for Canadians.

* The city of Portland, Oregon, is using something called Poopmaster 6,000 to remove crow poop from sidewalks. This may come in handy in Iowa now that all the presidential candidates are finished visiting.

* Demi Lovato campaigned with Hillary Clinton in Iowa. In the battle for young voters I picture Bernie Sanders: “Get me Zendaya!”

* In Boston, a man created a motorized toilet that he rides and pushes snow off his driveway. Even though he’s riding a toilet, he still looks less silly than anyone in a smart car.

* There is video of a toddler telling Siri she loves her. I’m just glad we’re not raising a young generation infatuated by technology.

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