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Breaking Brad: An obligatory Justin Bieber update

Breaking Brad: An obligatory Justin Bieber update

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Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* All competitors in Sunday’s Omaha Marathon wore a microchip so officials would know where they are on the course. With all the road construction and detours in town, we need to start microchipping commuters.

* Omaha Mayor Jean Stothert wants to bring back retired planning director Steve Jensen to help run the Planning Department. He would receive a salary of $100,000, in addition to his pension of about $115,000. The current planning director would stay on the job at a salary of $140,000. Omaha will have the only Planning Department featured on "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous."

* To pay the Planning Department salaries, look for the mayor to call for renting out our fire trucks to joy-riders.

* A new radio station in Omaha plays oldies music and seemingly has no DJs or owners. It’s sort of "ghost radio." KOIL managers are upset because, in its illustrious history of nine million gimmicks, even KOIL executives hadn't thought of this one.

* There’s a new policy for Midtown Crossing residents with dogs. Residents must provide a sample of their dog’s DNA to identify its poop. I picture Midtown Crossing dog owners bragging at the dog park. "See my Pomeranian? His poop’s registered."

* During a marathon filibuster to delay a vote on Obamacare funding, Sen. Ted Cruz read from "Green Eggs and Ham." When he finally stopped, dozens of members of the current Congress shouted, "Now we don’t know how it ends!"

* Sen. Cruz read from "Green Eggs and Ham." Serving in the current Congress is like being in the fourth grade, only with a longer summer recess.

* Some current Congress members were enthralled because they had only read the CliffsNotes in college.

* President Obama has referred to Bill Clinton as the "Secretary of Explaining Stuff." I guess that beats Clinton’s former title -- "Commander in Briefs."

* After Justin Bieber posted a photo of himself holding what appears to be a script for the new "Batman" movie, rumors surfaced that Bieber will play Robin. This may be the first time I ever rooted for the Joker.

* I guess the best way to make Ben Affleck seem macho enough to be Batman is to put him beside Bieber.

* The biggest adjustment for Bieber is that the Batmobile is slower than his own car.

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

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