Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* This week, wind chills in Minnesota reached -50. It's also freezing back east. The groundhog issued a press release saying he'll be in Key West on Feb. 2.

* The World-Herald ran a 10-question quiz titled “How well do you know figure skating?” If you got one answer right, you are in the top .0001 percent of Omahans in skating knowledge.

* It's a different type of event for Omaha. There's a “sign creation area” for fans to make signs to bring into the arena. Contrast that with the College World Series, where if you bring in a banner, it's confiscated, and you're hung by your toes from the left field bleachers.

* About 450 middle school students from Omaha were in attendance to learn the rudimentary basics of figure skating. Now they can go home and teach their parents the rudimentary basics.

* The first day of the figure skating FanFest, Omahans flocked to watch some mini-Zamboni races. This is when you know we're not a figure skating town. We're only interested in seeing the most talented skaters in the world if there's a tiny Zamboni race across ice.

* A Nebraska state senator from Lincoln is calling for a “Buffett rule” in Nebraska. It may be opposed by a new group of couples earning over $450,000 per year. Couples earning over $450,000 per year? There's already a group like that -- it's called the Linden Estates Property Owners Association.

* Thursday night during a meeting at the Crossroads, a vision was presented to convert the area to a “mixed-use development” center. That's opposed to what Crossroads currently is, “a wilderness preserve with escalators.”

* To keep from catching flu, we are supposed to avoid large crowds. That's why I stayed away from last week's gathering of Omaha mayoral hopefuls.

* President Obama is attempting to determine what North Korean leaders are up to, even if he couldn't determine what Beyonce was up to.

* While President Obama was introducing his nominee for SEC chief on Thursday, a fly landed on his forehead and refused to leave. Fortunately, an alert secret service agent was able to wrestle the fly swatter from a tea party member.

* Thousands of kindergarten-through-fifth-grade students sent President Obama their handwritten suggestions for his second term. A desperate Obama responded saying, “I like the thing about making Bo an official cabinet member; have you got anything on a permanent debt ceiling solution?”

* Breaking news -- the Chuck Hagel Secretary of Defense hearings may be delayed so Congress can conduct 8-months of hearings into whether Beyonce lip-synced.

* The lawyer for the man accused of perpetrating the Manti Te'o hoax said it was his client on the phone in a falsetto voice impersonating a woman. Let's hope this guy wasn't also involved in the Beyonce lip-sync scandal.

* According to a report, Beyonce gifted her one-year-old daughter with a diamond-encrusted Barbie doll. This is the most embarrassing thing yet for the Obama administration. Not only did Beyonce lip-sync, but with a diamond-encrusted Barbie, it's also looking like she's Republican.

* The Pizza Hut Super Bowl commercial is going to star five random people who are selected based on videos they submit. Don't laugh, it's the same way the Jacksonville Jaguars found their offensive line.

* Tom Brady has been fined $10,000 for sliding with his spikes directed toward an opponent's groin. A cutthroat move he obviously learned from wife Gisele Bundchen.

* Aaron Rodgers will not play in the Pro Bowl due to the results of his postseason physical. Considering the level of enthusiasm players have for the Pro Bowl, I'm guessing they found an ingrown nose hair.

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