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Breaking Brad: Happy World Toilet Day!

Breaking Brad: Happy World Toilet Day!

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Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read his morning jokes.

* Shaquille O’Neal said he twice went to the White House to meet President Obama but couldn’t get in. Memo to Shaq: When traveling in diplomatic circles, it’s best to drop Dennis Rodman’s name.

* A humming noise heard around the world have been identified as “fish mating” by an expert in fish mating. A.k.a. “one lonely dude.”

* Amazon will begin Sunday delivery. The goal: to drive the last remaining independent bookstore in the world out of business.

* North Korea and Google called Amazon too ruthless.

* In the future, fast-food restaurants will hire robots, according to a report. The big challenge now is designing a non-English-speaking robot who forgets the lids.

* According to a new study, only five percent of people using public restrooms wash their hands long enough. This may partially be due to people wanting to rush out because a stranger with a notepad was eying them.

* Nov. 19 has been declared World Toilet Day. Somehow, I don’t think this will ever supplant Thanksgiving.

* Miley Cyrus is suffering from laryngitis and ordered by a doctor not to sing. Now, if she can just twist an ankle so she can’t dance, her concerts will improve dramatically.

* If President Obama nominates this guy for surgeon general, he’d be the most popular one in U.S. history.

* Jack Taylor of Grinnell (Iowa) College just scored 109 points in a game, a year after he scored 138. I’m not sure if he’s the most skilled college basketball player in the nation, or he’s just playing really inept defenses.

* A little tip for teams preparing to play Grinnell: You may want to key on Taylor. Just saying.

* An Orlando TV station apologized to fans for having to air a Jacksonville Jaguars game. How difficult is it for a team to play with confidence when you run onto the field past a sideline reporter apologizing for covering you?

* Jay Z said his drug-dealing past will help him as a sports agent. Of course, the big adjustment is that drug dealers have higher ethics than sports agents.

* The NBA has fined Matt Barnes $25K in part for “using inappropriate language on Twitter.” Hey, I think I’ve found a way to fund the federal health-care plan.

Also from Brad: Four score and seven years ago...

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