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Breaking Brad: Hey, my column is a Web sensation!

Breaking Brad: Hey, my column is a Web sensation!

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Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* It rained briefly Thursday morning in Omaha. We’ve had so little rain the past couple of years, a jar was bottled and will soon go on display at the Durham Museum.

* Mayor Jean Stothert has been in Chicago -- to put as many miles as humanly possible between herself and former Fire Chief Mike McDonnell. I mean, to discuss Omaha’s bond rating.

* Former Fire Chief Mike McDonnell has presented his latest exit proposal to the mayor’s office. I believe this is Exit Proposal XXXVII.

* Welcome to the city that has no real budget, no real traffic control plan or no solid plan to lower taxes but has dozens of fire chief exit proposals.

* Movoto, a real estate website, ranked 50 cities according to how funny they are, and Omaha finished No. 50 out of 50. So apparently they’ve read my column.

* Omaha's not funny? Count the orange traffic cones on our streets and tell me this city doesn’t have a sense of humor.

* NASA has released photos that many say show the sun appearing to smile. I don’t think the sun is smiling; I think it’s laughing at Omahans trying to keep their yards green.

* Some lending institutions are now checking your Facebook friends, believing that who you friend can determine your “credit worthiness.” This isn’t the dumbest thing I ever heard -- oh, wait, yes, it is.

* There’s a technical term for lending institutions that do this. That term is “moronic.”

* The new cast of “Dancing with the Stars” includes Elizabeth Berkley, Snooki, Bill Nye, Amber Riley, Jack Osbourne and Bill Engvall. Evidently they’ve waived the requirement you have to be a star.

* In England, a man set a record by riding a jet-propelled shopping cart 70.4 mph on an airport runway. What does this do to the confidence of commercial airline passengers who are taxiing for takeoff and spot a shopping cart passing the plane?

* President Obama is attending the G-20 summit of world leaders in St. Petersburg, Russia. If Obama had only met with leaders who supported us in Syria, it would’ve been the G-2 summit.

* Obama landed in St. Petersburg at 2:06 p.m., which means, by 2:09 p.m., he’d checked out all the tourist attractions.

* G-20 summit host Vladimir Putin kicked off the proceedings by presenting every world leader with an exact facsimile of the New England Patriot owner’s Super Bowl ring.

* It was almost the G-21 summit. Obama asked if he could bring Joy Behar or Rachael Ray.

* President Obama said Bo the dog is lonely because all the attention has shifted to the new dog, Sunny. Mitt Romney said: “I know the feeling.”

* A sea snail hatched inside the knee of a four-year-old boy who’d returned from a day at the beach. Now, this is a real kid -- he’s got dirt on his face, his hair’s mussed and snails are hatching inside a scraped knee.

* A judge approved the Kodak company emerging from bankruptcy. Things would be looking up for Kodak if only it wasn’t for the four billion people in the world with camera phones.

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

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