Breaking Brad: Cowboys lineman proposes to Brooke Hogan

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* It's supposed to get up into the 50s in Omaha on Friday. Meteorologists believe this is due to the heat emanating from all the boiled water in Council Bluffs.

* There was heavy fog in Omaha on Friday morning. Omaha has heavy fog, mist and high taxes. If you were thinking of visiting London, cancel the trip – you're there.

* Nebraska Gov. Dave Heineman delivers his state of the state address on Tuesday. On Monday, State Sen. Ernie Chambers is expected to deliver the first pre-emptive rebuttal refuting everything Heineman is going to say the next day.

* The annual salary of Nebraska offensive coordinator Tim Beck will nearly double to $700,000. I'm trying to confirm that Beck said he feels like a member of Omaha Mayor Jim Suttle's staff.

* A new survey finds that Americans are angry, weary and pessimistic going into 2013. Six percent of Americans said it's going to be a bad year, 30 percent said it's going to be a good year and 10 percent bit the head off the survey taker.

* The Academy Awards nominations were announced Thursday. Considering how he feels about show business, President Obama is more interested in this than in how his nominations for Secretary of Defense and CIA director pan out.

* The White House has been releasing photos of Obama tweeting to explain his policies to Americans. I long for the old days when it took more than 140 characters for our president to explain his policies.

* President Obama has been tweeting regularly and recently learned how to do hashtags. Which means you can look for tweets like: “So frustrated w/ Congress! #Bunchofmorons.”

* President Obama was seen laughing and chatting with Kid Rock at the Kennedy Center Honors. Great, now Obama has even won over one of the two Republican celebrities.

* Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper signed the new recreational marijuana bill into law. Heavy recreational marijuana users were going to thank him, but were pretty sure they'd never be able to pronounce “Hickenlooper.”

* This should make Coloradans mellower. At football games, they'll be gently lobbing snowballs toward the visitors' bench.

* The state of Oregon is considering a “mileage tax” in which you would be taxed per mile on the distance you travel. This could cost the University of Oregon football offense a fortune the next time it plays Kansas State.

* When they heard about the mileage proposal, Omaha officials began hyperventilating and running around screaming, “A new tax! A new tax!”

* New details about the fiscal-cliff deal are emerging. It could affect the alternative minimum tax. If you don't understand this, not to worry. The alternative minimum tax is understood by fewer people than the Omaha emergency snow parking plan.

* Al Gore sold his Current TV to the Al Jazeera network. I'd like to emphasize that this actually happened and is not an Onion story.

* In one week, the Nebraska football team received commitments from two players from Orlando. Which answers the question: “Are they teaching global warming in the schools?”

* The NHL lockout is over. The league hopes to salvage a 48-game season. To put that in perspective, the NBA played 47 games on Christmas Day.

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