Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 


Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* The Obama family has a new puppy -- a second Portuguese Water Dog named Sunny. In a sign of the times, the president is teaching Sunny to go potty on papers featuring articles about Republicans.

* Sunny has already jumped up onto Michelle Obama's lap. This differs from the Clinton White House, where if the first dog jumped on Hillary's lap, the Secret Service had orders to wrestle him to the ground.

* With all the vacations the Obamas take, it should take Sunny less than seven years to get to know her family.

* Hot temperatures are back in Omaha. It's so hot and dry, Mayor Stothert is packing a Super Soaker.

* Omaha Fashion Week is under way. The big theme this year is practicality. A new dress in the shape of an orange traffic cone debuted for women who want to traverse a closed Omaha street undetected.

* Country singer Brad Paisley is returning to Omaha for a Nov. 14 concert. I wouldn't say there have been a lot of Paisley concerts in town the past few years, but we have commissioners on the Douglas County Board that don't spend as much time in Omaha.

* On Wednesday, potential presidential candidate Howard Dean returned to Iowa, site of his 2004 "amplified death wail," to quote The New York Times. We recently heard some amplified death wails in Omaha called "American Idol" auditions.

* In Grand Island, Neb., a man pleaded no contest to using a skid loader to steal an ATM. Well, that's one way to get money from a bank to buy a home.

* Sen. Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota gave the Democrats' keynote address at an event in Clear Lake, Iowa. The most fun was flipping through the TV dial afterward and hearing the 14 difference pronunciations of "Klobuchar."

* President Obama is preparing to tour central New York and Pennsylvania on a two-day bus trip. Due to the sequester cutbacks, White House aides siphoned all the gas from John Boehner's limo.

* To prepare Obama for his trip to Russia in September, it's a 1959 bus.

* A desperate Obama is stopping to pick up hitchhikers to ask 'em if they have a jobs plan.

* President Obama honored the undefeated '72 Miami Dolphins at the White House on Tuesday. The players are now in their 60s and 70s. It was quite a day. After the ceremony, the '72 Dolphins whipped the 2013 Kansas City Chiefs, 28-7.

* This shows that Florida is such a mess, you have to go back to 1972 to find anyone from there worth honoring.

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