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Breaking Brad: What is this Nebraska Crossing Outlets?

Breaking Brad: What is this Nebraska Crossing Outlets?

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Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* In one month, only 26,794 Americans signed up for Obamacare on HealthCare.Gov. To put that in perspective, in the past month, 28,000 Americans reported seeing Big Foot.

* In that same time period, 29,000 Americans signed up for new Friendster accounts.

* In October, only 338 Nebraskans signed up for private insurance via HealthCare.Gov. Contrast that with the 339 Nebraskans who filed papers to run for governor.

* On the first day, six Americans were able to sign up for Obamacare on the website. At the current rate, all Americans who need health care will be enrolled the same day we colonize Saturn.

* Two candidates announced they are seeking Nebraska Legislature seats in the Omaha area. One candidate is 23 and the other 71. Normally, that age gap is only seen when a new king and queen of the Ak-Sar-Ben Coronation Ball are crowned.

* Nebraska Crossing Outlets opens for business Friday. Couldn't someone have publicized this?

* Nebraska Crossing Outlets has received massive publicity. Students who can't name the vice president of the United States can list every factory outlet store at Nebraska Crossing.

* The 85-year-old mayor of Thompson, Iowa, won re-election despite the fact he died two days earlier. OK, our habit of re-electing incumbents is officially out of control.

* A dead man was re-elected. Lee Terry: “You can do that?”

* Here's the worst part: The deceased mayor will likely accomplish more during this term than anyone in the U.S. Congress.

* Kmart officials announced their stores will open at 6 a.m. on Thanksgiving. “Attention Kmart shoppers: Do any of you know the true meaning of Thanksgiving?”

* Remember when Mom used to get up early on Thanksgiving to put the turkey in the oven? Now, she's rising early to engage in hand-to-hand combat over discount sneakers in a giant bin at Kmart.

* The Orlando Magic's Glen “Big Baby” Davis apologized for throwing a Travelodge computer keyboard across a motel lobby. I'm pretty sure he was trying to sign up for Obamacare at the time.

* The White House's chief technology officer testified before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee on Wednesday about the Obamacare website. He almost didn't get to testify -- he was stuck in his car for two hours after forgetting how the door handle worked.

* Bill Clinton called on the Obama administration to honor its pledge to let Americans keep their health-care policies. This was either spoken from the heart or, more likely, marked the formal launch of Hillary's 2016 campaign for the Democratic nomination against Joe Biden.

* According to reports, the NSA monitored 60 million calls in Spain. Spain? What were we trying to learn? About time changes for the Running of the Bulls?

* Sen. Ted Cruz's father recently made some “inappropriate remarks.” Cruz has an embarrassing family member. Maybe he's qualified to be president after all.

* A Texas Tech paleontologist claims to have discovered how life began. Because it's Texas, officials told him: “Get back to us when you've designed a formation that can average seven yards on first down.”

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

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