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Breaking Brad: When Santa finally reaches the Nebraska Crossing Outlets

Breaking Brad: When Santa finally reaches the Nebraska Crossing Outlets

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Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* Thousands of Omahans are converging on Nebraska Crossing Outlets. What are they selling - factory outlet firecrackers?

* It was crazy over the weekend. After buying up all the merchandise in the Nebraska Crossing Outlets stores, shoppers were grabbing the mannequins and fleeing.

* Nebraska Crossing Outlets is accessed by exit 432 at Interstate 80. This of course was brought to you by “The Committee That Feels The Saturday Drive To Husker Football Games Isn't Challenging Enough.”

* Santa Claus will be arriving at Nebraska Crossing by helicopter; not for affect, with the clogged roads it's the only way in.

* I can picture a lonely Gretna cow looking up and going, “Where'd all the cars come from?”

* Santa arrived at Westroads over the weekend, almost two weeks before Thanksgiving. I guess that's not too early for a mall where the Christmas decorations usually go up around July 5th.

* Don't forget, next Tuesday the Easter Bunny arrives at Westroads.

* On Saturday and Sunday the Council Bluffs Kennel Club Show was held at the CenturyLink Center. These dogs are so smart one looked up midway and said “Wait - why is the Council Bluffs Kennel Club Show in Omaha?”

* An adventurer donned some kind of motorized wings and flew around Mount Fuji. One more road closure in Omaha and this is how I'm planning to get to work.

* The U.S. federal government is using a 16-year-old California Eagle Scout's project to humanely trap birds at airports. Hey, I wonder if this kid has any ideas for a functioning health care system?

* On Monday NASA is scheduled to launch a new spacecraft called the Maven to Mars. This will be our third craft to go to Mars. What a world it is when the U.S. can send three spacecraft to Mars but can't design a health care website that works.

* Homeland Security officials reveal there were more than a dozen failed attempts to hack the Obamacare website. How would we know that the site has been hacked - if it suddenly begins to work?

* The hackers are believed to be individuals that so far don't like Obamacare. Which whittles the list of suspects down to 265 million Americans.

* According to a report, the early days of the Obamacare launch went worse than had previously been thought. That's like saying Custer's battle plan was a bigger disappointment than history recorded.

* Some say President Obama is subtly trying to pass the buck for his struggling health care plan. There may be something to that. Over the weekend he twice referred to the plan as ”Bidencare.”

* Obama attended the Oregon State-Maryland college basketball game Sunday night. Something is wrong in the world when Obama is at a basketball game and Dennis Rodman is negotiating peace with North Korea.

* President Obama is calling for an increase in the minimum wage to $10.10 per hour. Knowing Obama the 10 cents will go to Democratic fund-raising groups.

* Obama is nominating Dr. Vivek Hallegere Murthy for U.S. Surgeon General. Congress will spend the first eight days of approval hearings trying to pronounce his name.

* The White House was going to announce this on Twitter but “Vivek Hallegere Murthy” is too many letters.

* Mitt Romney snubbed Sen. Ted Cruz by leaving him off his list of “Elect able Republicans.” What does Mitt Romney know about elect able Republicans in the first place?

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

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