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Breaking Brad: Why I can't wait for Miley Cyrus' Omaha concert

Breaking Brad: Why I can't wait for Miley Cyrus' Omaha concert

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Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon

 

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* It's almost time for Santa to arrive at Nebraska Crossing Outlets. Not the actual Santa, no. “Factory Outlet Santa.”

* UNL campus police are using “bait bikes” with GPS trackers to catch bicycle thieves. There's a similar sting at UNO, where 300 campus cops staked out an Oldsmobile for nine hours to catch a student that owed $2.50 in overdue parking fines.

* Scientists have revealed the "coldest spot in the universe.” I'm pretty sure it's 13th and Farnam Streets in Omaha when the wind is blowing in February.

* Miley Cyrus has been suffering from laryngitis and cannot sing. If this continues, I may take in her Omaha concert after all.

* More than 100 City of Omaha employees who've retired have returned to their jobs while collecting pensions. Omaha is the only city where, on their last day, retiring city employees are given a gold watch and a new contract to return to work Monday.

* I saw an interview with the three scientists who shared the Nobel Prize for Economics. It's amazing: Even these guys can't figure out the MUD pricing plan.

* We just passed the 16,000 milestone. In a nation of 314 million, that's how many have signed up for Obamacare. No, wait, it has something to do with the stock market.

* The Washington, D.C., insurance commissioner lost his job after criticizing Obamacare. Let's hope everybody that criticizes Obamacare doesn't lose their job, or there are going to be 314 million unemployed Americans.

* According to a new Washington Post-ABC News poll, President Obama's approval rating has dropped to 42 percent. Isn't Richie Incognito at 43 percent?

* NASA has launched a satellite built by high school students into space. Man, these federal cuts are worse than I thought.

* This week marks the Gettysburg Address' 150th anniversary. In politics, we've gone from Abe Lincoln's “Four score and seven years ago...” to Sen. Rand Paul's “I certainly did not copy from Wikipedia!”

* In Flint, Mich., two convicted felons were elected to City Council. You know voters may have made a mistake when, during the first post-election Council meeting, a couple members' ankle bracelets begin beeping.

* And a guy who died two days prior was re-elected mayor of Thompson, Iowa. Our standards for politicians are getting dangerously low.

* The Toronto mayor's TV show was canceled 24 hours after it premiered. So it was on NBC, right?

* A date has been announced for the release of the next “Star Wars” movie: Dec. 18, 2015. Which means “Star Wars” fans will begin lining up Thursday.

* Madonna recently was in trouble for texting in a Texas movie theater. She had a good laugh about the whole thing until somebody pointed out that, in Texas, this is punishable by 18 years in prison.

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

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